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More Jokes

  • football

    Football Newbie

    A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked…
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    Bedtime Suggestion

    I'd had a pretty hectic day with my four-year-old. When bed-time finally came, I laid…
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    Goober Y2K Date Change Project Status:

    Y-to-K Date Change Project Status: Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time…
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    Meatloaf

    A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make…
  • wedding kids

    Wedding Vows

    A grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding." The wedding vows…
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    You've Had Too Much Coffee When

    You've had too much coffee when: 1. You ski uphill. 2. You get a speeding ticket even…
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    College Cure

    Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other,…
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    Parachute Training

    While attending US Army's Airborne School.....The Day before our first jump, the…
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    Worker Ants

    The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker…
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    Watery Deal

    A real estate salesman had just closed his first deal, only to discover that the piece of…
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    One-liners

    1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.2. Make yourself at home! Clean my…
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    College Nerves

    While touring the University with some college-bound friends, I saw an advertisement that…
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    Proposal Reaction

    A young man confided to his mother that he had proposed to his girlfriend and they were…
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    Toaster Oven

    One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she…
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    Pain Explanation

    A little girl went up to her mother one day while holding her stomach saying, "Mommy, my…

What He Says - What He Means

"I'm going fishing."

Really means: "I'm going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."

Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"

Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh-huh." "Sure, honey." "Yes, dear."

Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."

Really means: "I have no idea how it works."

"We're going to be late."

Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."

Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."

Really means: "Are you still talking?"

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."

Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."

Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"You know I could never love anyone else."

Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."

Really means: "Please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."

Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

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