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    Ten Things a Mom Doesn't Want to Hear

    1. I swallowed a goldfish. 2. Your lipstick works better than crayons. 3. Does grape…
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    Illegal Turn

    A man in a hurry taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it…
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    Football Newbie

    A guy took his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked…
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    Ticket Purchase

    A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase…
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    Grandfather Putt

    Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 45-foot, downhill putt.…
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    Preacher Tow

    The minister's car wouldn't start and he called the garage to come and tow it in for…
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    Tow Request

    The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for…
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    Painted Sunset

    Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying…
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    Firehouse Training Session

    At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen…
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    Tip Revenge

    A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage. He whispers to the…
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    I'll Testify To That

    Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the…
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    Reward Change

    A lady lost her handbag at the mall. An honest young lad found it and returned it to her.…
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    Take Fore

    A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his…
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    The FBI Orders Pizza

    FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under…
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    Time To Wave

    From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting…

"I'm going fishing."
really means..."I'm going to go and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Woman driver."
really means..."Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"It's a guy thing."
really means....."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Have you lost weight?' really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."

"It would take too long to explain."
really means....."I have no idea how it works."

"I got a lot done."
really means....."I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."

"We're going to be late."
really means....."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
really means....."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
really means....."I forgot our anniversary again."

"You know how bad my memory is."
really means....."I remember the theme song to 'F Troop' and the Vehicle Identification Numbers on every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Hey I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
really means....."And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
really means....."It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?' really means...."What did you catch me at?"

"I don't need to read the instructions."
really means....."I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'm not lost.  I know exactly where we are."
really means....."No one will ever see us alive again."

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