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  • drum

    Silent Drums

    An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him…
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    Vice President of Peas

    Tom was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and…
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    Hospital Information

    A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I…
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    The Haircut

    A young man had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister,…
  • a picture of home

    No Place Like Home

    While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started…
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    Cake Make Up

    On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley helping the…
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    Vacation E-mails

    Major Mark Wagner is planting a church for the Salvation Army (they do good work) in the…
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    Snack Costs

    My friends and I had joined a weight-loss organization. At one meeting the instructor…
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    Funeral Music

    At our local crematorium families are given the chance to chose the music CD they would…
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    Civil War Re-enactment

    Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's…
  • desert

    The Top Seven things overhead on the Wise Men's Journey:

    The Top Seven things overhead on the Wise Men's Journey to Bethlehem: 7. Man, I'm…
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    One and Ten

    Elizabeth was surprised to receive ten dollars from her Aunt for her birthday. The Aunt…
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    Prayer Positions

    Three ministers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman…
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    Rabbi Sneak

    There was this rabbi in a small town, and he was really curious about why so many people…
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    Q & A

    Q. Why did Freud cross the road?A. Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in…

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

cat on roofI will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched The Walking Dead.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

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