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    Parrot Dream Fulfilled

    A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large…
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    Proper Attire

    Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that…
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    Hearing Problems

    An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the…
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    Salt Lake vs. Denver

    I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the…
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    Hooked Shot

    Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot…
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    Goober Quotes

    I got some bad news today. You know the money you get from those ATM machines? It comes…
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    Pearl Dream

    After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl…
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    Pig Call

    A church secretary takes a call. The caller says ,"Is the head hog at the trough…
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    Sam's Fishing

    A game warden noticed how a particular fellow named Sam consistently caught more fish…
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    Better Preacher

    After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better…
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    Novice Immerser

    The young son of a Baptist minister was in church one morning when he saw for the first…
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    Scavenger Hunt

    A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he…
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    The Envelope Please

    Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who…
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    Charm School 101

    At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a "Charm…
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    And Then They Voted

    While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was…

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

cat on roofI will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched The Walking Dead.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

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