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More Jokes

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    Kidnapped

    Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officers…
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    Clergy Golf

    Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped…
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    Every Word

    A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the…
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    Knee Tattoo

    A hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out…
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    All You Can Drink

    There was a business man driving down this country road when he spotted a little boy that…
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    Coin Test

    During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids.…
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    Stranded on a Desert Island

    A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of…
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    Let's Play House

    A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.The girl approached the boy and…
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    Price Reduction

    Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per…
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    How Can Any Student Pass?

    It's not the fault of the student if he fails, because the year ONLY has 365 days.…
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    Ravine Golfing

    One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.Ben sliced his ball deep into a…
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    Rhymes and Tubes

    Our family was leaving on a two week vacation and so my preparations took me into the…
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    Bicycle Accidents

    In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very…
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    Memory Improvement

    I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain things were…
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    Thesaurus Collision

    Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New…

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

cat on roofI will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched The Walking Dead.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.

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