1. You ski uphill.
2. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
3. You speed walk in your sleep.
4. You answer the door before people knock.
5. Juan Valdez has named his donkey after you.
6. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
7. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
8. You just completed another sweater and you don't even know how to knit.
9. You sleep with your eyes open.
10. You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
11. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
12. You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
13. You lick your coffee pot clean.
14. You spend your vacations visiting "Maxwell House."
15. You're the employee of the month at the local coffee house and you don't even work there.
16. You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
17. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
18. You chew on other people's fingernails.
19. Cocaine is a downer.
20. The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
21. All your kids are named "Joe."
22. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
23. You buy ½ and ½ by the barrel.
24. You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their drinks.
25. You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.
26. You can jump-start your car without cables.
27. You've worn out the handle on your favourite mug.
28. You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
29. You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
30. You don't need a hammer to pound in nails.
31. You don't sweat, you percolate.
32. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
33. Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
34. You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
35. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your home.
36. Instant coffee takes too long.
37. People get dizzy just watching you.
38. When you find a penny, you say, "Find a penny, pick it up. Sixty-three more, I'll have a cup."
39. The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
40. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
41. You're so wired, you pick up AM radio.
42. People can test their batteries in your ears.
43. You life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
44. You channel surf faster without a remote.
45. When someone asks, "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop!"
46. You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee can.
47. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
48. You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
49. You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
50. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
51. You named your cats "Cream" and "Sugar".
52. Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
53. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
54. You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
55. Your 3 favorite things in life are: coffee before, coffee during, and coffee after.
56. You can't even remember your second cup.
57. You help your dog chase its tail.
58. You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
59. Your Thermos has wheels.
60. You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
61. You introduce your spouse as your "CoffeeMate."
62. Your first-aid kit contains 2-pints of coffee with an I-V hook-up.
63. You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
64. You short out motion detectors.
65. You have conniptions over spilled milk.
66. You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
67. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
68. You don't tan, you roast.
69. You don't get mad, you get steamed.
70. Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
71. You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
72. You read this entire list.