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25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth

1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."

2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.

3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"

4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.

5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.

6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.

7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).

8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")

9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.

10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!

11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.

12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.

13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.

14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.

15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.

16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.

17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.

18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.

19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.

20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.

21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.

22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"

23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.

24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."

25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.

Written by Matt Tullos.

A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day. . . .

A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.

The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!

FROM: Human Resources Department

SUBJECT: Restroom Use Policy

In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines. Effective immediately, a Restroom Trip Policy will be established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of all employees.

Under the policy a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty Restroom Trip Credits. These credits may be accumulated.

Within four to six weeks, the entrance doors to all restrooms are being equipped with personal identification stations and computer- linked voice print recognition devices. Before the end of the month each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Human Resources Department. The voice print recognition station will be operational but not restrictive during the entire month. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during that period.

If the employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restrooms will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will sound. Thirty-seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper will retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.

The picture will then be posted on the bulletin board located in the Employee Relations Office. Anyone's picture showing up three times will immediately be terminated. If you have any questions about this policy, please ask your supervisor. They have all received advanced instructions.

There's one in every bunch - a bad banana.  This is just what you need when you go to do some shopping at the local mall to get your mind off of things.

At least this doesn't happen in Disneyworld with the characters there - though when I was 10 I did have a little run-in with Goofy.  No big deal, everyone knows he has issues.