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"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

"One cat just leads to another."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."

"Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.  Cats have never forgotten this."

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station...  GO FIGURE!

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what goober came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  What are we supposed to do...write to these men?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.

2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.

3. Mostly to clean the house.

4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We are related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?

1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?

1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't have spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?

1. About 30 years.

2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.

Describe the world's greatest mom?

1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.

2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.

3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?

1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.

2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.

3. Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.