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A Mother's Letter to Her Son

My Dear Son:

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive.  I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.  You won't know the house when you come home; we've moved.  It was a lot of trouble moving.  The most difficult was the bed...you see the man wouldn't let us take it in one piece.  It wouldn't have been too bad if your father hadn't been sleeping in it at the time.

About your father, he has a lovely new job.  He has 500 men under him.  He's cutting the grass in the cemetery.

Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she's been going out with.  He gave her a beautiful new ring, with three stones missing.

Our neighbors, the Browns, started to keep pigs.  We got wind of it this morning.  I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in.  There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in but it isn't working too good.  I put 4 shirts in it, pulled the chain, and I haven't seen the shirts since.

Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying.  All the boys in the school have new suits.  We can't afford to buy him a new suit, but we are going to buy him a new hat and let him look out of the window.

Your sister had a baby this morning.  I haven't heard yet if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle yet.  Your uncle Buck was drowned in a vat of whiskey last week.  Four of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.  We cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

Your father didn't have much to drink for Christmas.  I put a pint of castor oil in his pint of beer.  It kept him going till New Year's day.

I went to the Dr.  on Thursday: your father came with me.  The Dr.  put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for 10 minutes.  Your father offered to buy it from him.  It only rained twice since last week.  First for three days and them for four days.  It was so windy on Monday one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.
We had a letter from the undertaker.  He said if the last instalment wasn't paid on your grandmother within seven days, up she comes.  I must close now because someone is coming to repair the pipes and there is a shocking smell.

Your loving Mother, PS I was going to send you $10 but I had already sealed the envelope.

A goober began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help.  One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.  Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was.  A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.

Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"

"Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie."

Little Levi attended church for the first time with his buddy, Jimmy.  As the pastor got up to preach, he took off his watch and laid it on the pulpit.

Levi whispered, "what does that mean?"

Jimmy replied, "unfortunately -- nothing!"

An woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.

So the police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, ma'am!"