For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.
A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job.
Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.
During the time I was a first lieutenant at Seymour Johnson Air Force Base in North Carolina, the junior officers challenged the senior officers to see who would donate the most blood.
After trying several times to locate a vein in my left arm, the technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into my right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.
As I left the collection facility, I passed a colonel. Noting my two bandages, he looked at me and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."
Responses to questions on 5th and 6th grade science tests:
- There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
- Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
- The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.
- Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.
- A monsoon is a French gentleman.
- The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
- When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
- For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Dieting is a lot easier when you factor in recently determined calorie counting principles. The following are calories that don't count:
CUSTOM MADE FOOD: Anything somebody made "just for you" must be eaten regardless of the calories because to do otherwise would be rude. But don't worry, because the calories don't count.
FOOD EATEN QUICKLY: If you are rushed through a meal, the entire meal doesn't count. Conversely, if you have ordered something fattening and now regret it, you can minimize its calories by gulping it down.
OTHER PEOPLE'S FOOD: A chocolate mousse that you did not order has no calories. Therefore, have your companion order dessert and you taste half of it.
INGREDIENTS IN COOKING: Chocolate chips are fattening. So are chocolate chip cookies! However, chocolate chips eaten while making chocolate chip cookies have no calories whatsoever. Therefore, make chocolate chip cookies often but don't eat them.
LEFTOVERS: An extra hamburger, a hotdog butt, half a Twinkie, anything intended for the garbage has no calories regardless of what happens to it in the kitchen.
TV FOOD: Anything eaten in front of a TV has no calories. This may have something to do with the radiation leakage, which negates not only the calories in the food but also all recollection of having eaten it. In fact, entire " no-calories dinners" are now manufactured and frozen for this purpose.
ANYTHING SMALLER THAN ONE INCH: contains no calories to speak of. For example, chocolate kisses, cubes of cheese, or maraschino cherries.
CHILDREN'S FOOD: Anything purchased, produced or intended for minors is calorie-free when eaten by adults. This category covers a wide range, beginning with a spoonful of baby tapioca-consumed for demonstration purposes-up to and including cookies baked and sent to college.
CHARITABLE FOODS: Girl Scout cookies, bake sale cookies, ice cream socials and church strawberry festivals all have a religious dispensation from calories. I heard this last Sunday.
LEFT-HANDED FOOD: If you have a drink in your right hand, anything eaten with the other hand has no calories.
AND LAST, FOOD ON FOOT: All food eaten while standing has no calories.
Exactly why is not clear, but the current theory relates to gravity. The calories apparently bypass the stomach flowing directly down the legs and through the soles of the feet into the floor. Walking seems to accelerate this process, so that a frozen custard or hotdog eaten at a carnival actually has a calorie deficit.
I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort. "Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.
I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"
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Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow. We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often. Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.
Some say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.
It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.
Over the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.
And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.
When Pastor Tim finds (or puts) fun things on the net, he posts them here. If you would like to be updated when new things are added, just subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest Newsletter. Enjoy!
Our collection of puns.
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Here's where we keep our funny car pictures.
Here's our funny horse pictures collection.
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
We think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.
We hope you'll enjoy each one and share them with your online family and friends.
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