On an airplane, I overheard a stewardess talking to an elderly couple in front of me.
Learning that it was the couple's 50th wedding anniversary, the flight attendant congratulated them and asked how they had done it.
"It all felt like five minutes..." the gentleman said slowly.
The stewardess had just begun to remark on what a sweet statement that was when he finished his sentence with a word that earned him a sharp smack on the head:
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the goober lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, I'm so glad you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was.
"Well," said the farmer, "it was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns."
"Praise choruses?" said his wife. "What are those?"
"Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like hymns, only different," said the farmer.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his wife.
The farmer said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you: "Martha, the cows are in the corn"' - well, that would be a hymn. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Martha, Martha, Martha,
Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA,
the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows
the white cows,
the black and white cows,
the COWS, COWS, COWS
are in the corn,
are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn,
the CORN, CORN, CORN.'
Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus."
The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came to visit and attended the local church of the small town. He went home and his mother asked him how it was.
"Well," said the young man, "it was good. They did something different however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs."
"Hymns?" asked his mother. "What are those?"
"Oh, they're OK. They are sort of like regular songs, only different," said the young man.
"Well, what's the difference?" asked his mother.
The young man said, "Well, it's like this - If I were to say to you: 'Martha, the cows are in the corn' - well, that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you:
'Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.
For the way of the animals who can explain
There in their heads is no shadow of sense
Hearkenest they in God's sun or His rain
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.
Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night
They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed.
So look to the bright shining day by and by
Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn
Where no vicious animals make my soul cry
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.'
Then if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn."
Here is the list member's response - which is today's CleanLaugh.
First the explanation behind it. A list member, who recently asked for instructions on how to manage her Cybersalt list subscriptions recently sent me this very humorous response to the length of the instructions I sent here. Please understand that due to the size of some of my lists, I just don't have time to personally manage everyone's e-mail changes. For the most part, the detailed instructions I send out to help people change their subscriptions themselves are very effective. You just have to read them which I know isn't why some people get e-mail (oddly enough).
Here is the note she sent me:
Do you realize what it is like to be 62 years old & computer challenged & get a message like this one??????
By the time I read all this, I could have gone on to meet the Lord, you realize that don't you????????
LOL........I mean I am in the checkout lane now, dear boy.........I laughed & laughed reading all this.
I know you didn't mean it to be funny but to me it was.........Talk about Bill Gates not making anything easy for us? Did you teach him? Are you his pastor?
I don't need a Clean Laugh of the Day for today, this message was it!!!!!!
From (Name Protected) in Kansas
Calling For Technical Support (sound familiar?)
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring.... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring...
"Thank you for calling Technical Support.
"All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician."
"The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit alpha-numeric product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind."
"Do that now."
Each day, enjoy a CleanLaugh here. Want the latest clean jokes e-mailed directly to you? Subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest at www.cybersaltlists.org.
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Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow. We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often. Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.
Some say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.
It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.
Over the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.
And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.
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Our collection of puns.
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Here's our funny horse pictures collection.
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
We think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.
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