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We moved into an apartment while we were looking for a place that would let us keep our pets. We could not have our pets at our apartment, so my brother-in-law kept our cat for us until we could find a place that would let us keep him.

One day he came home after dark and saw the cat on the porch eating. He reached down to pet him and while he was petting him he looked over toward the fence where he saw MY cat sitting. Looking back around to see what he was petting he realized that it was a raccoon that had came up to eat the cat food. After that the cat was fed in the house.

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church.  "When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral," Joe began.

"You mean the parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

"I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.

"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.

"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.

"That would be the usher," Charlie explained.

"Well, the usher led me down the chute," Joe said.

"You mean the aisle," Charlie said.

"Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there," Joe continued.

"Pew," Charlie retorted.

"Yeah," recalled Joe.  "That's what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her."

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 PM for 20 cents.

I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $3.50.

Then my wife's father died and left us ten million dollars."

This was an actual letter from and reply to the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality:

From: State of Michigan Grand Rapids District Office State Office Building 6th Floor 350 Ottawa NW Grand Rapids MI 49503-2341 CC John Engler, Governor CC:Department Of Environmental Quality Hollister Building, PO Box 30473, Lansing MI 48909-7973 Russell J. Harding, Director

To:Mr. Ryan DeVries
2088 Dagget Pierson, MI 49339 December 17, 1997 CERTIFIED SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023-1 T11N, R10W, Sec. 20, Montcalm County It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the strewn channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 1998. Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely, David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division

----Reply Letter----

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec 20; Montcalm County Dear Mr. Price:

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me for response.

You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people, but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore, have to send them a copy of my response.

First of all, Mr. Ryan DeVries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan - I am the legal owner, and a couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, nor authorize their dam project, I think they would be highly offended you call their skillful use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to challenge you to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your dam request that the beavers first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of activity, my first dam question to you is: are you trying to discriminate against Spring Pond Beavers or do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, please send me completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits.

Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws annotated.

My first concern is - are the dam beavers entitled to dam legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation - so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing dam flooding is proof we should leave the dam Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition - contact the dam beavers but if you are going to arrest them (they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter - being unable to read English) be sure you read them their Miranda rights first.

As for me, I am not going to cause more dam flooding or dam debris jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt these dam beavers be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter and this response to PETA.
If your dam Department seriously finds all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not permit their existence in this State - I seriously hope you are not selectively enforcing this dam policy - or once again both I and the Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I to live and enjoy Spring Pond. So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action now. Why wait until 1/31/98?
The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no dam way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real environmental quality (health) problem: bears are actually defecating in our woods! I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the dam beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step - the bears are not careful where they dump.

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this dam response to your dam office.

Sincerely,