Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
And ... the Number One Sign you are in for a long sermon:
1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only September!
In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
Did you hear about the scientists who were nominated for the Nobel Prize?
It seems they discovered and calibrated the smallest particles known to man using only dental equipment.
They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark."
 
 "If we are not changed by grace, then we are not saved by grace."
- A. W. Tozer
Fred was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Fred looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one!"
