* When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead.
* Never read a book of demon-summoning verses aloud, even as a joke.
* Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET OUT!
* If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know that you're doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had half of a tank, shoot yourself instead - You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
AND MOST IMPORTANTLY:
* When trying to escape from a serial killer, never run UPstairs.
The PearlyGates list features material that Pastor Tim thinks is funny but would probably generate emotionally fueled feedback if sent to his other more general and family safe lists. He knows the jokes are theologically, politically, and/or socially incorrect and he’s OK with that. And yes, he would tell these jokes to his mother, his children and even his church in certain public speaking situations where he is called pastor for reasons other than the jokes he tells.
The PearlyGates Newsletter is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt www.cybersalt.org
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