"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls.
It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"
Melanie, "Our family is kosher"
When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.
"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"
One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up. We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.
"Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" one of them suggested.
"I thought of that," he replied, "but my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.
But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time. Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and center.
"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes you can," he replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm so tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
17. "I finished the Oreos"
16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
- Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.
- There would be a cure for stretch marks.
- Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
- Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
- All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
To my children: Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff. I taught you how to use a spoon.
- Sue Fitzmaurice
but you can never fool mom.
Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.
I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.
About 20 minutes later, he came running back.
"Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work."
Two of our grandchildren (Kevin, age 8 and Jeremy age 13) were doing some school homework in the same room at home when Kevin goofed on something or other.
Kevin: "Oh, silly me! I forgot!"
Jeremy: "Well, Kevin, if forgetting stuff is silly, then Mom's hilarious."
His response was, "My mother can."
The teacher replied, "Really?"
The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."
"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."
She said, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."
"My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.
"Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"
Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.
"I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."
"Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."
I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.
SHOULD MY LOVED ONE BE PLACED IN AN ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY?
For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps even a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But naturally you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.
WHAT EXACTLY IS AN "ASSISTED COMPUTING FACILITY"?
There was a boarding house near by, and every Wednesday noon a big pan of custard was placed upon the window sill to cool. From his vantage point in the window of another house, the boy shot all the pills into the custard.
The boy soon found out that he was an expert marksman and the custom of custards on Wednesday quickly passed into history.
As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.
"Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the darndest thing... it was the darndest thing." she kept repeating dazedly.
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
She also had her seven-year-old son with her.
Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.
After a brief silence, she chuckled and said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."
"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.
"We hadn't started eating yet."
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."
"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop,
"We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"
Replied the customer sadly,
"No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."
Dear Pastor Tim, this is a true story.
It was Thanksgiving day and my friend's hall bathroom was not working.
She had another bathroom off the master bedroom so she asked her pre-teen daughter to put a sign on the hall bathroom door and then close it.
Later I visited the mother of one of the boys to explain about the multiplicity of sweaters in the hope that an exchange might be arranged.
She said coolly, "Well, after all, you were the one who wrote on the invitation what you wanted me to buy."
She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,
"Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"
"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.
"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me.
"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'.
Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."
"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you and marked private arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"
One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was trailing a frazzled mother with two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.
"If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"