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Mother's Day Jokes Wed, 14 Apr 2021 10:22:36 -0700 FeedCreator 1.8.3 (obRSS 3.4.2) en-GB New Found Interest computer boySeeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of an attractive pop-star, I commented, "She certainly is pretty.  Which picture do you like best?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls.

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Pastor Tim Thu, 21 Jan 2021 08:07:22 -0700
Second Time? christmas star ornamentA mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's very swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady!  Your daughter is pregnant!"

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Pastor Tim Sun, 13 Dec 2020 06:40:09 -0700
What's Kosher girls twoA mom was carpooling her Sarah and friend Melanie to Hebrew School one day when she caught wind of the conversation between the two six-year-olds in the back seat...

Melanie, "Our family is kosher"

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Pastor Tim Thu, 22 Oct 2020 04:14:12 -0700
  • childAdvice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
    "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
  • You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk.  Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 24 Sep 2020 05:07:50 -0700
    Behavior Modification woman curlersOne morning I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office.

    When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her.

    "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 10 Sep 2020 00:00:00 -0700
    Clean Up broomMy mother is a cleaning fanatic.

    One Saturday she told me and my brother to get down to the playroom and straighten it up.  We had a party there the previous evening, and she was none too happy about the mess.

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 04 Jun 2020 07:51:13 -0700
    Roman Numerals roman numeral 12One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.

    "Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" one of them suggested.

    "I thought of that," he replied, "but my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."

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    Pastor Tim Sun, 08 Mar 2020 01:00:00 -0700
    White Hairs girl3One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

    She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

    Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

    The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 27 Feb 2020 10:16:11 -0700
    Finding Danny disaster room teenager"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

    He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 20 Feb 2020 06:30:09 -0700
    Respect military inspectionWhile the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the crowd. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered.

    But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time. Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and center.

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    Pastor Tim Sun, 05 Jan 2020 08:35:09 -0700
    One-Liner #1438 smile"Male reindeer lose their antlers in winter and females don't, so Santa's sleigh is actually pulled by a team of women . . . of course it is."

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    Susan Davis Thu, 19 Dec 2019 08:30:24 -0700
    No Stairs woman old4An older lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

    "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

    "Yes you can," he replied.

    "Thank goodness!" she said. "I'm so tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 13 Jun 2019 00:00:00 -0700
    Visiting Grandma woman old4Grandma, who appeared to become an ever-more intimidating personality as the years went on, was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

    "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

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    Pastor Tim Sun, 12 May 2019 00:00:00 -0700
    Expecting expecting mothers signYou should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 11 May 2019 08:57:33 -0700
    Things Not to Say to Your Pregnant Wife pregnancy*Things Not To Say to Your Pregnant Wife*

    17.  "I finished the Oreos"

    16.  "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 13 Sep 2018 06:03:40 -0700
    If Men Got Pregnant pregnancy*If Men Got Pregnant*

    - Maternity leave would last two years, with full pay.

    - There would be a cure for stretch marks.

    - Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

    - Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.

    - All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 14 Jun 2018 06:29:22 -0700
    Quote #1494 Sue Fitzmaurice quote

     To my children: Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff. I taught you how to use a spoon.

    - Sue Fitzmaurice

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    Pastor Tim Sun, 13 May 2018 05:19:55 -0700
    One-liner #1083 Fooling mom one-linerYou can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time...

    but you can never fool mom.

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    Pastor Tim Sun, 13 May 2018 00:29:11 -0700
    Quit Bothering Us doorbellWe had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.

    Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.

    I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.

    About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

    "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work."

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 12 May 2018 08:21:40 -0700
    Silly Mom A funny conversation between brothers.Thanks to list member Lowell Guebert for sending in this real life, happened to her, CleanLaugh.

    Two of our grandchildren (Kevin, age 8 and Jeremy age 13) were doing some school homework in the same room at home when Kevin goofed on something or other.

    Kevin: "Oh, silly me! I forgot!"

    Jeremy: "Well, Kevin, if forgetting stuff is silly, then Mom's hilarious."

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 22 Feb 2018 08:02:27 -0700
    Predicting the Future A funny teacher joke.While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her class, "Can people predict the future with cards?"

    His response was, "My mother can."

    The teacher replied, "Really?"

    The young boy was quick to explain, "Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home."

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 14 Dec 2017 06:24:00 -0700
    Brotherly Advice supermanCharlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

    "Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."

    So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

    Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"

    Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 13 May 2017 08:31:00 -0700
    Starting Over childrens handsThe mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over again.

    "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 13 May 2017 07:04:00 -0700
    Mom Wonder mother and daughter2A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like.

    She said, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

    The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

    At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 16 Feb 2017 01:00:00 -0700
    Motherly Pride senior women 2Two mothers were talking about their sons.

    The first said, "My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years."

    The other woman said, "Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only has he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time."

    "My word," the first mother said. "You must be so proud."

    "I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 26 Jan 2017 09:28:17 -0700
    Sorry I'm Late woman sleepyLate one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone.

    In a sleepy grumpy voice I said hello. The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech.

    "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

    Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had dialed my number by mistake.

    "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan."

    "Wow, Mom," the young woman's voice replied. "I didn't think you'd be this mad."

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    Thu, 12 Jan 2017 01:00:00 -0700
    If I Were Santa santacloningIf I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do?
    I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
    And deliver some things just inside your front door...
    Things you have lost, but treasured before.

    I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
    And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
    Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
    Before rinses and bleaches took residence there. 

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 22 Dec 2016 08:50:12 -0700
    Assisted Computing computer helpThe Toughest Decision


    For family members, it is often the most difficult and painful decision they will face: to accept that a loved one - a parent, a spouse, perhaps even a sibling - is technologically impaired and should no longer be allowed to live independently, or come near a computer or electronic device without direct supervision. The time has come to place that loved one into the care of an Assisted Computing Facility. But naturally you have questions. So many questions. We at Silicon Pines want to help.


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    Pastor Tim Thu, 06 Oct 2016 04:33:57 -0700
    Pass the Pie Please A boy with a pea shooter, ran out of ammunition, and discovering a box of laxative pills, tried one in his blow gun. To his great joy, it fit. 

    There was a boarding house near by, and every Wednesday noon a big pan of custard was placed upon the window sill to cool. From his vantage point in the window of another house, the boy shot all the pills into the custard. 

    The boy soon found out that he was an expert marksman and the custom of custards on Wednesday quickly passed into history.

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 22 Sep 2016 06:51:41 -0700
    Packing airport securityI was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

    As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

    "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

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    Thu, 15 Sep 2016 23:00:00 -0700
    Do You Understand? baseball1At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded yes.

    "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes.

    "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?" Again, the boy nodded yes.

    "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

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    Thu, 08 Sep 2016 05:05:07 -0700
    Sudden Devastation tornadoOut in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

    The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the darndest thing...  it was the darndest thing." she kept repeating dazedly.

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 03 Sep 2016 02:28:02 -0700
    I Want To Be A Bear bearI want to be a bear......

    If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

    Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.

    If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

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    Pastor Tim Tue, 09 Aug 2016 00:00:00 -0700
    Rescue Mom child boyMy son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet.

    So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.

    Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.

    He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 06 Aug 2016 00:00:00 -0700
    Dressing The Kids family1The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

    "When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."

    "Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."

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    Fri, 29 Jul 2016 00:00:00 -0700
    Wet Clothes pondCassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods than any of the others.

    Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.

    A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

    There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

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    Pastor Tim Mon, 25 Jul 2016 06:39:00 -0700
    Bird Favorites Both chicks were being bugged in their own way.

    bird favorites

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    Pastor Tim Tue, 19 Jul 2016 06:49:08 -0700
    Please and Thank You mom and childWhile on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.

    She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

    Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

    "What do you say?" she asked.

    Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

    The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

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    Pastor Tim Mon, 18 Jul 2016 23:00:00 -0700
    Name Need woman on phoneTo prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the priest there well.

    When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.

    After a brief silence, she chuckled and said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 14 Jul 2016 05:13:00 -0700
    First Date dinner dateA young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

    His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

    He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

    "I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

    "What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

    "We hadn't started eating yet."

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 28 May 2016 04:05:55 -0700
    Invitation book mysteryMrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.

    Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

    "Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

    "Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."

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    Pastor Tim Tue, 17 May 2016 23:00:00 -0700
    Geraniums A man walked into a flower shop and after looking around for several minutes, asked the clerk if there were any potted geraniums he could buy.flower geranium

    "I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop,

    "We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

    Replied the customer sadly,

    "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

    Read more ...]]>
    Fri, 06 May 2016 23:00:00 -0700
    Bathroom Sign bathroom sinkThanks to Norma K. Appel for sending today's CleanLaugh. 

    Dear Pastor Tim, this is a true story.

    It was Thanksgiving day and my friend's hall bathroom was not working.

    She had another bathroom off the master bedroom so she asked her pre-teen daughter to put a sign on the hall bathroom door and then close it.

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    Pastor Tim Wed, 04 May 2016 09:43:00 -0700
    Sweater Gifts birthdayAlthough we had recently moved into a new neighborhood, our young son had already made many new friends, ten of whom were invited to his birthday party. When the happy day arrived and he opened his presents, I was amazed to see that eight guests had presented him with sweaters.

    Later I visited the mother of one of the boys to explain about the multiplicity of sweaters in the hope that an exchange might be arranged.

    She said coolly, "Well, after all, you were the one who wrote on the invitation what you wanted me to buy."

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    Pastor Tim Wed, 27 Apr 2016 23:00:00 -0700
    Jeanne Robertson Sometimes being a mother is a dish best served cold after 29 years.

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    Pastor Tim Thu, 04 Feb 2016 22:11:54 -0700
    Why Moms Get Nothing Done  Moms work their buns off all day and yet somehow nothing is done at the end of the day...this is why.

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    Pastor Tim Tue, 27 Oct 2015 17:21:26 -0700
    The Best Kept Secret Ever! This husband and wife decided to have some fun and surprise all their friends and family with the big news of not just gender, but having twins.

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    Pastor Tim Mon, 06 Jul 2015 20:56:29 -0700
    Buckle Up convertibleI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. 

    She was stark naked! 

    As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,

    "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

    Read more ...]]>
    Pastor Tim Tue, 27 Jan 2015 09:30:05 -0700
    God's Power storm cloudsA boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

    As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 24 Jan 2015 07:07:02 -0700
    Car Alarms car theftI was with a friend in a cafe' when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

    "What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.

    "Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me.

    "Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'.

    Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."

    Read more ...]]>
    Pastor Tim Tue, 20 Jan 2015 07:36:26 -0700
    Letter From Mom mailboxWhen the man came home, his wife was crying.

    "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

    "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

    "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you and marked private arrived. I opened it because I was curious."


    "At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

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    Pastor Tim Fri, 16 Jan 2015 02:00:00 -0700
    Sinking Excuse icebergI think I'll tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage.

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    Pastor Tim Wed, 07 Jan 2015 11:15:46 -0700
    Long Passwords computer keyboardMy kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

    I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

    "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 03 Jan 2015 02:00:00 -0700
    One-liner #0956 batmanLook Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn't change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.

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    Pastor Tim Wed, 28 May 2014 09:23:09 -0700
    Does It Hurt? new born babyWhen I was a mother's helper, the mom of the family I worked for sat with her three oldest children and watched a PBS special showing the birth of a baby. The mom thought it would be a good starting point for answering questions about the facts of life.

    As her five-year-old studied the baby coming out of the birth canal, he asked, "Mom, does that hurt?"

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    Pastor Tim Wed, 28 May 2014 09:14:27 -0700
    Parenting Challenges As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.

    One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was trailing a frazzled mother with two active children, and I watched as she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.

    "If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

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    Pastor Tim Mon, 12 May 2014 14:05:26 -0700
    Motherly Help theatreA strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

    Several men stood up as the lights came on.

    An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"

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    Pastor Tim Sat, 10 May 2014 07:15:41 -0700