I was talking on the phone tonight to a wonderful friend with whom I'm separated by a couple thousand miles. She was talking like she knew God - you know like how you really know a person, and they talk to you and tell you stuff. And I caught myself thinking "who is this God guy that she's on about?" I used to know Him... but now it feels like I've been absent from Him and missed out on a whole load when I should have been right there. It made me sad.
I'm struggling with my faith as you can tell. Being a Christian isn't a happy shiny thing where you get baptised and BOOM! suddenly you're the perfect model Christian. I'm not. I'm far from it. I fail every minute, and worse, I fail in the eyes of non-Christians who then believe my faith is false. I feel like I'm being asked too much. How can we be perfect as we are called to be? I'll never be perfect, no matter how much I lean on God. It all gets too crushing at times.
God however has perfect timing. He knows that the lies of the enemy are reaching my ears, and finally, after months of hearing them, I'm again starting to believe them and turn away from what I know is right. And God's like "Na-ah. You're not taking my daughter away!" So He does the one thing guaranteed to make me listen to Him. "I love you," He says. "I will protect you, I will comfort you. Just follow my voice and I will lead you home."
I hear the enemy, but I hear my Daddy too, and He's calling me home, and that's where I want to me. Our enemy can offer us everything, but he cannot offer the love of a father, and the welcoming home that we all deserve as children of the light.
I pray that God lights my way through this time of darkness. I only see a little light right now, just a flashlight in the dark. But the time is coming when God will blaze, and my path will be made clear. I pray that time comes soon, as I feel the enemy's breath as he whispers his lies into my very ears. He's too close, and those wings don't seem to be protecting me right now. Hide me under your wings God. Give me refuge and shelter. Be my shield and rampart.