Mother's Dictionary

Amnesia:
A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Bottle Feeding:
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

Defense:
What you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

Drooling:
How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look Out!:
What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared Childbirth:
A contradiction in terms.

Puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show Off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom:
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper Tantrums:
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Thunderstorm:
A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal:
Able to whine in words.

Whodunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops:
An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."