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Mitch Hedberg One-liners

  • Following my DreamsI'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • car washI know a lot about cars; I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • escalatorI like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.

    - Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents

  • Gambling one linerI like to play blackjack; I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • Mitch Hedberg onelinerWith a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down;' with a banana, however, it is quite the opposite: yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

    - Mitch Hedberg