I'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg
I know a lot about cars; I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.
- Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents
I like to play blackjack; I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down;' with a banana, however, it is quite the opposite: yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'
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