Mitch Hedberg One-liners

  • One-liner #1256

    Following my DreamsI'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • Oneliner #1125

    car washI know a lot about cars; I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • Oneliner #1128

    escalatorI like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.

    - Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents

  • Oneliner #1238

    Gambling one linerI like to play blackjack; I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

    - Mitch Hedberg

  • Oneliner #1242

    Mitch Hedberg onelinerWith a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down;' with a banana, however, it is quite the opposite: yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

    - Mitch Hedberg