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Diet Jokes

  • Burns and Benny

    burns and bennyJack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

    "I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

    "Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

  • Chocolate Calories

    chocolate1A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

    Therefore...

    In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 135 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

    I owe my life to chocolate.

  • Chocolate Laughs

    Over the years, people have come up with a number of great reasons to eat chocolate. The following 11 reasons are all viable options for yourself or a friend to eat chocolate with a clear conscience. ENJOY!

    chocolate*Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

    *Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

    *If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

  • Diet Skipping

    calendarMr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

    "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

    When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

    "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

    Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

    "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

    Replied Mr. Lee, "No, from skipping."

  • Diet Woes

    food cholesteralA dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

    "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

    "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

    A 75-year-old man in the back row stood up and shouted, "Wedding cake."

  • Eyes of Love

    child boyMy mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.

    When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"

  • Fruit Regret

    pineapple"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!"

    - said Tom dolefully

  • Large Party

    train stationOn one occasion William Howard Taft, in his work as an attorney, took a train to Somerville, about 40 miles north of his home in Cincinnati.

    At the end of the day he knew that the policy of the railway was not to stop for just one passenger to board. He therefore sent this telegram: "Stop at Somerville for a large party."

    As the train came to a halt, Taft began to board the train, and conductor asked, "Where's the large party?"

    Taft, with all of his 335 pounds replied, "I'm the large party."

  • Oneliner #0959

    fruits and vegetablesI hate it when I think that I'm buying "Organic" vegetables, but when I get home they're just regular donuts.

  • Oneliner #0965

    exercise copyI just wanna have abs…olutely all the pasta and breadsticks.

  • Oneliner #0967

    girl guide thin mints cookiesHow many boxes of these thin mints do I need to eat before I see results?

  • Oneliner #0973

    weight scale 2I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.

  • Oneliner #0977

    cupcakes copyOnce you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.

  • Self Image, Discipline, Dieting

    doctor4A middle-aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up.

    After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."

    The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"

  • Take Out Talk

    peanutsA man goes to a restaurant, orders some takeout, and sits down to wait for his food.

    While he waits, he grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he starts to chew, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

    Wondering who made the comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone nearby who could be speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts into his mouth.

    Next he hears the voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

    He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool.

    A little freaked out, he grabs another handful of peanuts. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

    He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look - what's up with that? Am I GOING CRAZY??"

    "Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies. "It's just the peanuts."

    "The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

    "Yes," replies the waiter, "…they're complimentary."

  • Unintended Pounds

    weight scale

    I didn't mean to gain weight; it happened by snaccident.

  • Wait Watching

    clothes pantsHaving lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

    Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of capris.

    "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

    Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

  • Weight Loss

    weight scale 2I know how to lose weight: I just chews not to.

  • You Know You Overdid Christmas Dinner When

    christmas foodYou Know You Overdid Christmas Dinner When . . .

    - Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy.

    - The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!

    - You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.

    - Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.

    - Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.

    - A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."

    - That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.

    - Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.

    - Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.