Wilderness Puns

  • chefA rare delicacy indeed is sautéed sloth.

    Using the middle toe of the great Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of the creature, the careful chef de-bones it, pounds it as with veal, and sautés it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and the faintest touch of Tabasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste.

    Many people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sautéed, a fact unappreciated in culinary circles.

    Too many cooks broil the sloth.

  • Porpoise punA research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips. Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free.

    "Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?"

    "Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeeting the porpoise."

  • mountain hillsMountains aren't just funny. They are hill areas.

  • plateau flatteryA plateau: the highest form of flattery.

  • Lamb PunWhat do you call a herd of sheep tumbling down a hill?

    A lambslide of course.

  • hiker snowJohann Strauss was an avid mountain climber who once waltzed himself into deep trouble. He lost his footing and found himself hanging by his fingertips over a bottomless gorge.

    Another climber heroically came to his rescue and just managed to grab Johann by a strap of his backpack to save the Maestro's life.

    Since then, the act of trying to get out of a seemingly hopeless situation has come to be known as grasping at Strauss.

  • bridge3There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence.

    They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

    "Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"

  • The Lion Sleeps Tonight punAt any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

  • tent punYou can't run through a campground.

    You can only ran, because it's past tents.

  • pirate punA pirate captain was out to retrieve his buried treasure.

    After months of hard sailing, his ship caught sight of land, the land to which his treasure map had been leading. He and his first mate disembarked on the island to search out the buried treasure, which was supposed to lie hidden deep within a swamp at the center of the island.

  • fogI tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist!