'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty new bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers.

"I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."

Murphy’s Slaw: If cabbage can go rotten, it will.

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note: "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A boy wrote a note: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

Baked Stuffed Chicken

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
salt/pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends. I consume 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.

Therefore...

In the last 3 1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 135 pounds, so without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago!

I owe my life to chocolate.

When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last - a home-cooked meal!"

"I just don't want to live in a cookie cutter house."
- Gingerbread family

That guy from the McDonalds drive-thru gives me the shakes.

I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae with extra hot fudge.

The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one temperature, ma'am."

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. For Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

~*~

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

Martha's way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up"

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's just too bad. My motto is, I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

**********************
Martha's way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove top.

These notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you'll notice a slight, endearing British ambiance to them.

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

"Cancel one pint after the day after today."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

Trying to control my dry hair, I treated my scalp with olive oil before washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, I washed my hair several times.

That night when I went to bed, I leaned over to my husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing me.

"Do I smell like Popeye?"

I hate it when I think that I'm buying "Organic" vegetables, but when I get home they're just regular donuts.

I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.

Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"?

Anyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby!" has never tried.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

You can't make everyone happy; you are not pizza.

I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now... what should I do?

Saw some goober at the gym put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down;' with a banana, however, it is quite the opposite: yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'

- Mitch Hedberg

My friend Betty is in charge of hospitality for a church planted by her son-in-law. The church is in a college area and most of the members are recent college graduates.

The first year the pastor offered membership classes for newcomers. Many of them had not been raised in church and needed to learn a lot. At the end of the classes, he decided to hold a pot luck dinner to help the group bond.

He couldn't host all of them at once, so 15 people were invited to his apartment for the first dinner. Fifteen young adults all showed up with a bag of chips. He had to order out pizza to feed them.

Betty knew one of the young women better than the others and that she had been raised in church, so she asked, "Chips, really? Haven't you ever been to a pot luck at your church?"

"Sure," the young woman replied, "but the adults made all of the food."

Ten years or so down the line from that first class, the church still hosts dinners at the end of the membership classes but the church ladies (my friend Betty and other women in their 50s, 60s, and 70s) prepare all the food.

So the question now is....what happens to a millennial church when all of the church ladies retire or pass away?

- Thanks to Kathy Kexel for submitting this.

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.

"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"

"Nothing special, sir," he replied.

"We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

***Warning - this one is a real groaner!***

It was back in the old days and my friend was into this new age wisdom and spirituality and stuff. Well, one day he heard of this special guru who knew the meaning of life in the universe, so my friend drove from Blairstown to the airport in Newark and caught a plane to India.

When the plane landed in India he took a train. When the train got to the end of its track he got off and rented a jeep. He drove the jeep to the foothills of the mountains and borrowed a donkey. He rode the donkey until the donkey could go no further and then walked up the mountain to the guru's cave. He entered the cave and he told the guru that he had come to find the meaning of life in the universe.

The guru said that the meaning of life in the universe was mushrooms.

You've heard of Murphy's law right?

Yes . . .  Why?

It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, but have you heard of Cole's law?

No . . . .

It's thinly sliced cabbage

I'm sure you've heard the old story referring to optimism and pessimism that is determined by whether you think the glass is half-empty or half-full. Here are the reactions when somebody leaves a half glass of milk next to the keyboard.

Optimist:
The glass is half full.

Pessimist:
The glass is half empty.

Apple Computer:
You guys really oughta be drinking Perrier.

The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.