1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

2. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

3. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

4. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my family visits me twice a week."

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Yugo also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Yugo owner that his was the best car that money could buy.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with wifi embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the Yugo owner interrupted.

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

He began to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop.

"Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"

"No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"

I had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."

"$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right," my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.

"You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store."

An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows.

"Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously.

"Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!"

A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card.

The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"

The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events! You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's thirty-fourth birthday..."

I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine," I said.

"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"

I was checking out at the local Albertsons with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

After the check-out kid had scanned all of my items, he picked up the "Divider" looked it all over for the bar code so he could scan it. Not finding the bar code, he said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

A little astounded, I said to him, "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."

He said "OK," then I paid him for my things and left.

He had no clue what had just happened.

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian.

She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention.

She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right.

"I'm fine," she assured me,"but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

Here is how to get a free 3D printer:

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

Many years ago, a grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter.

The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.

However it took the man two days to assemble the toy.

Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.  Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile phone.

The wife said, " Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

He said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

"Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

"Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that."

Recently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went.

The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking."

These notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you'll notice a slight, endearing British ambiance to them.

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

"Cancel one pint after the day after today."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

Money can buy a house, but not a home.
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep.
Money can buy a clock, but not time.
Money can buy a book, but not knowledge.
Money can buy food, but not an appetite.
Money can buy position, but not respect.
Money can buy blood, but not life.
Money can buy insurance, but not safety.

You see, money is not everything!
Therefore, if you have too much money, please send it to me.

A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

I hate it when I think that I'm buying "Organic" vegetables, but when I get home they're just regular donuts.

Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.

After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf.

The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.

A man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

"You bet," answered the customer.

"She's expecting a cruise."

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

*Toy Disclaimers*

* No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

* Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

* Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

* Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

* Some dismemberment may occur.

* Do not purchase this toy at all.  Put it back on the shelf!  NOW!!  Just walk away, timid little man.

Some people REALLY love Christmas.  Me, I love Thanksgiving.

Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. 

Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.

"What I'd give to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!?"

The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.