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Shopping Jokes

  • 12 Reasons to Buy a New Car

    car old1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

    2. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

    3. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

    4. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

  • 2 Requests

    shoppingAn elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

    "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

    The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my family visits me twice a week."

  • Bronze Rat

    Picture of San FranciscoA tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it.

    He took it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

    "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," said the owner.

    The tourist gave the man twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

    As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him down the street. This was disconcerting; he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

    He began to trot toward the bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

    Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the bay and threw the bronze rat as far out into the bay as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the bay after it, and were all drowned.

    The man walked back to the curio shop.

    "Ah ha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?"

    "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze politician?"

  • Burger Change

    burgerI had just finished visiting a friend in the hospital and stopped by a burger drive-through for lunch to eat on the way back to work. I ordered the #1 combo (burger, fry, coke) for $4.29. She said "that'll be $4.83, please drive forward."

    "$4.83? For a $4.29 meal? That's 54 cents tax! That can't be right," my mind raced. Tax is 8 cents on the dollar in Huntsville and for 4 dollars that would be 32 cents plus 1/3 (29) of 8 cents would be 35 cents max. I'd heard of window workers overcharging drive through customers and skimming the money for themselves. Someone did just that to me at a Hardees couple of years ago.

  • Checking Out

    power workersI was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

    Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

    "Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

  • Coveting

    parking lot2While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"

    "No, I'm fine," I said.

    "Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"

  • Divider Return

    shopping3I was checking out at the local Albertsons with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

    I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

    After the check-out kid had scanned all of my items, he picked up the "Divider" looked it all over for the bar code so he could scan it. Not finding the bar code, he said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

    A little astounded, I said to him, "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."

    He said "OK," then I paid him for my things and left.

    He had no clue what had just happened.

  • Don't Have Any

    store signA woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small notebooks?"

    "Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

    The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

    "Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

    The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

    The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

  • Free 3D Printer

    3D PrinterHere is how to get a free 3D printer:

    Step 1: Buy a 3D printer

    Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

    Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

  • Grandpa Cut Up

    man old1Many years ago, a grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter.

    The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.

    However it took the man two days to assemble the toy.

    Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

  • Home For Christmas

    picture of a winter stormA woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.  Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

    By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

    When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

    "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time."

  • Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

    A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, she called him on her mobile phone.

    The wife said, " Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

    He said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"

    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…

    "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

    "Well, I am in the gun shop next door to that."

  • Husband Shopping Center

    mallRecently a "Husband Shopping Center" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out with five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

    A couple of girlfriends went to the place to find men. On the first floor the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

    The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" so up they went.

    The second floor said, "These men have high-paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good-looking."

  • Milkman Notes

    milkThese notes left for milkmen came from the UK, so you'll notice a slight, endearing British ambiance to them.

    "Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

    "Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."

    "Cancel one pint after the day after today."

    "Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

    "Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

  • No ID

    peat mossA woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

    She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

    He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

    "How come?" asked the woman.

    "Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

  • Oneliner #0959

    fruits and vegetablesI hate it when I think that I'm buying "Organic" vegetables, but when I get home they're just regular donuts.

  • Oneliner #1065

    shopping cartsShopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.

  • Read The Label

    spray canIt was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.

    After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf.

    The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.

  • Shoe Fit

    Tight ShoesA man walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.

    "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

    "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man.

    The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." the clerk says.

    "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth."

  • Surprise Gift

    perfume giftThe man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.

    "A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.

    "You bet," answered the customer.

    "She's expecting a cruise."

  • Tight Shoes

    picture of men's dress shoesA man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

    "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

    "Well... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

    The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

    "Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

    "Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.

  • Toy Disclaimers

    toys copy*Toy Disclaimers*

    * No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

    * Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

    * Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

    * Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

    * Some dismemberment may occur.

    * Do not purchase this toy at all.  Put it back on the shelf!  NOW!!  Just walk away, timid little man.

  • Turkey Hunting

    turkey dinnerSome people REALLY love Christmas.  Me, I love Thanksgiving.

    Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. 

    Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

  • Yogurt Aisle

    yogurt greek brands The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.