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Nurse Jokes

  • Picture of a hospital patientA man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

    As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance.

    He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

    The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

    He replied, "No money in the bank."

    The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

    He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

    The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God,"

    The patient replies, "That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

  • Over-reacting to kidney stonesEarly one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

    My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

    I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

    With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

  • nursesYou might be a nurse if...

    ~ You avoid unhealthy looking people in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

    ~ It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.

    ~ You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

    ~ You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

    ~ You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.

    ~ You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

    ~ You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

    ~ You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.

    ~ You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.