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Turkey Jokes

  • 12 Reasons to be Thankful You Burned the Turkey

    1. Salmonella won't be a concern.

    2. Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

    3. Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

    4. Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

    5. Pets won't bother to pester you for scraps.

    6. No one will overeat.

    7. The smoke alarm was due for a test.

    8. Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

    9. You'll get to the desserts even quicker.

    10. After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play football.

    11. The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

    12. You won't have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

  • 6 Legged Turkey

    turkey liveAn industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey.

    His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.

    After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together.

    "Well I finally did it!  I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!"

    They all asked the farmer how it tasted.

    "I don't know" said the farmer.

    "I can't catch the thing!"

  • All Pro Turkey

    The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field.

    While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.  Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

    When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!!  Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."

    "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

  • Christmas Turkey

    THE TURKEY SHOT OUT OF THE OVEN

    Picture of a Christmas Turkey

    The turkey shot out of the oven
    and rocketed into the air;
    It knocked every plate off the table
    and partly demolished a chair.

    It ricocheted into a corner
    and burst with a deafening boom,
    Then splattered all over the kitchen,
    completely obscuring the room.

  • Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Turkey

    Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Turkey:

    Ingedients:

    - 1 large turkey

    - 1 small turkey

    Cooking Instructions:

    Take the two turkeys and put them in the oven.

    When the little one burns, the big one is done.

  • Last Minute Turkey

    It's the day before Thanksgiving and the butcher is just locking up when a man pounds on the door.  "Please let me in," says the man, "I forgot to buy a turkey and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."

    "OK" says the butcher.  "Let me see what's left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left.  He brings it out to show the man.

    "That one's too skinny.  What else have you got"?  says the man. The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes then brings the same turkey back out to the man.

    "Oh no," says the man, "that one doesn't look any better.  You better give me both of them."

  • Stolen Turkey

    Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

    "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

    "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

    "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

    Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

    When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

  • The Turkey Shot Out Of The Oven

    The turkey shot out of the oven
    and rocketed into the air,
    it knocked every plate off the table
    and partly demolished a chair.

    It ricocheted into a corner and
    burst with a deafening boom,
    then splattered all over the kitchen,
    completely obscuring the room.

    It stuck to the walls and the windows,
    it totally coated the floor,
    there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
    where there'd never been turkey before.

    It blanketed every appliance,
    it smeared every saucer and bowl,
    there wasn't a way I could stop it,
    that turkey was out of control.

    I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
    and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
    that I'd never again stuff a turkey
    with popcorn that hadn't been popped.

    - By Jack Prelutsky

  • Turkey Confession

    Picture of a confessionalDucking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

    "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

    "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

    "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

    Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

    When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

  • Turkey Hotline

    TRUE STORIES FROM THE BUTTERBALL Turkey Hotline, where people call to get advice on how to cook a Turkey from the experts

    * Thanksgiving Dinner on the run.  A woman called <their number> to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey.  To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed.  The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."

    * Tofu turkey?  No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't Thanksgiving without turkey.  A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu
    * Then there's the time a lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.  She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

  • Turkey Hunting

    turkey dinnerSome people REALLY love Christmas.  Me, I love Thanksgiving.

    Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. 

    Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

  • Turkey Poem

    I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,

    I ate too much pudding and pie.

    I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'

    I'm probably going to die.

    I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.

    But I wish I had known when to stop,

    For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams

    That my buttons are starting to pop!

    I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes

    My stomach is swollen and sore,

    But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if

    I eat just a little bit more!

  • Turkey Shopping

    It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

    In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

    "No" he replied. "They're all dead."

  • Turkey Size

    picture of a thanksgiving turkeyA lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

    She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

    The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."