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Grandparent Jokes

  • AAADD

    old ladyThey have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.

    Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it goes:

    I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.

  • Bottle Drive

    This old woman would never drink beer.The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked:

    "What do you want, Sonny?"

    "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked.

    "Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady.

    "S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply.

    "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

  • Colorful Grandma

    colorsI didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.

    I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

    At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely,

    "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

  • Eyes of Love

    child boyMy mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.

    When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"

  • Grandkids

    man oldA wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.

    "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh.

    "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace."

    When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.

  • Grandma Generation Gap

    sewingMy granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.

    After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief,

    "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate a cell phone?"

  • Grandpa Cut Up

    man old1Many years ago, a grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter.

    The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.

    However it took the man two days to assemble the toy.

    Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

  • Granny's Visit

    picture of old ladyLittle Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

    "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"

    His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"

    The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

  • I'm Aging Gracefully

    woman oldI'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 p.m

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

    I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

    I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid...

    I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

  • I'm Dead

    couple elderlyA husband and wife, both getting on in years, are in bed one morning.

    He takes her hand, and she says, "Don't touch me."

    He says, "Why not?"

    She answers, " Because I'm dead."

    Husband says, "What are you talking about? We're lying here talking to one another."

  • Pray Loud

    child prayTwo young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

    At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW PVR..."

    His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

    To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

  • Senior "Favorite Things"

    There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP (The American Association of Retired Persons). Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, "Favorite Things". There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme.

    Here are the new words to this tune:

    knittingMaalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
    Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
    When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, when the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    I simply remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

  • Tough Kids

    boyThree little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

    "I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".

    "Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".

    "That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."

  • Wedding Vows

    wedding kidsA grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."

    The wedding vows went like this:

    "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."