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Grandma Jokes

  • This old woman would never drink beer.The Boy Scouts were out collecting bottles for a fund raising activity. One ambitious but nervous young man knocked on a door and a sour-faced lady came to the door and asked:

    "What do you want, Sonny?"

    "D-d-do you have any beer bottles for the Boy Scouts, M-m-m-ma'am?" he asked.

    "Look here, young man, do I look like the kind of lady who would drink beer?" replied the lady.

    "S-s-sorry, Ma'am," was his reply.

    "W-w-what about vinegar bottles?"

  • old ladyAn elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

    Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

    "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

    "Yes," he replied.

    "Thank goodness!" she said.

    "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

  • christmas gift2Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. 

    Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. 

    "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.

    "Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."

  • coffee cupA sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

    The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army men in the bottom of the cup.

  • colorsI didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.

    I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.

    At last, she headed for the door, saying sagely,

    "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

  • meal familyLittle Mikey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Mikey received his plate, he started eating right away.

    "Mikey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

    "I don't need to," the boy replied.

    "Of course, you do," his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

    "That's at our house," Mikey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

  • child boyMy mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.

    When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"

  • preacherThe preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

    After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

  • santacloningIf I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do?
    I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
    And deliver some things just inside your front door...
    Things you have lost, but treasured before.

    I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
    And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
    Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
    Before rinses and bleaches took residence there. 

  • birthday2Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.

    She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

    "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

    "I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

    "You have to do it every year," she was told.

    "Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

  • grandma grandkidsIf Mom says "No," ask Nana;

    if Nana says "No,"... who are we kidding?? Nana never says "No!"

  • Nana never says NoIf Mom says "No," ask Nana; if Nana says "No"... who are we kidding? Nana never says "No!"

  • child prayTwo young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

    At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW PVR..."

    His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

    To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

  • Praying for GiftsTwo young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.

    At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

    "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...

    "I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO SWITCH...

    "I PRAY FOR A NEW TABLET: DRAGON TOUCH Y88X PLUS..."

  • There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP (The American Association of Retired Persons). Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, "Favorite Things". There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme.

    Here are the new words to this tune:

    knittingMaalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
    Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
    When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, when the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    I simply remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

  • boyThree little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

    "I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".

    "Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".

    "That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."

  • wedding kidsA grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."

    The wedding vows went like this:

    "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

  • couple old1. Eventually, you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

    2. Don't let anyone tell you that you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker.

    3. The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

    4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.