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Grandpa Jokes

  • Grandkids

    man oldA wealthy old man looked around the table at his two sons and five daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion.

    "Not a single grandchild," he said with a sigh.

    "Why, I'll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let's say grace."

    When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.

  • Grandpa Cut Up

    man old1Many years ago, a grandfather bought a hobby horse by mail order as a birthday present for his granddaughter.

    The toy arrived in 189 pieces. The instructions said that it could be put together in an hour.

    However it took the man two days to assemble the toy.

    Finally, when it was all put together, he wrote a check, cut it into 189 pieces and mailed it off to the company.

  • Senior "Favorite Things"

    There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP (The American Association of Retired Persons). Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, "Favorite Things". There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme.

    Here are the new words to this tune:

    knittingMaalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
    Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
    When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, when the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    I simply remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

  • Tough Kids

    boyThree little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

    "I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".

    "Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".

    "That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."