Crime Jokes

  • broken windowLittle Danny O'Brien, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. 

    He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the head and generally caused mischief until a passing cop stopped him.

    "What's going on here!"  bellowed the officer.

    "It's like this officer," winked Danny. 

    "I am on my way to confession and I'm a little short of material."

  • plantsproutAs I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

    The plot thickens.

  • A police pullover jokeA policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

    "No," the man replied.

    "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the officer explained.

    "But I did slow down!" the guy argued.

    The officer shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."

    The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

    The officer pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

  • bread slicedA guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

    "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

    "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."

    "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

    The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

    "Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

  • bricksA thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

    "No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

    A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window.

    "What I'd give to own that!" she said.

    "Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat.

    Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

    "Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something!?"