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Kid Jokes

  • 3rd Grader's Explanation of God

    Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."

    boy sitting"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

  • Actual Elementary School Excuse Notes

    classroom*  "Jerry was at his grandmother's yesterday, and she did not bring him to school because Jerry couldn't remember where the school was."

    *  "Ronnie would not finish his work last night.  He said his brain was too tired of spelling."

    *  "Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend.  He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment."

  • Buckle Up

    convertibleI was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. 

    She was stark naked! 

    As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat,

    "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

  • Church Leadership

    bishopWe were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

    There was silence.

    Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

  • Coffee for Grandma

    coffee cupA sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

    The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army men in the bottom of the cup.

  • Color Blind

    shoppingChecking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

    The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.

    Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"

    "Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

    "They adopted?" he asked.

    "Yes," I replied.

    "I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

  • Commando Moses

    plane warNine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

    "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

    "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

    "Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

  • Day Off From School

    phone2On Monday a call came in to the school receptionist.

    "Hello. Please mark William absent today," said the man.

    "Yes of course. May I ask why?" asked the receptionist.

    "He is sick," said the man.

    "No problem. May I ask who is speaking?" said the receptionist.

    "My uncle." said William.

  • Divider Return

    shopping3I was checking out at the local Albertsons with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.

    I picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.

    After the check-out kid had scanned all of my items, he picked up the "Divider" looked it all over for the bar code so he could scan it. Not finding the bar code, he said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"

    A little astounded, I said to him, "I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today."

    He said "OK," then I paid him for my things and left.

    He had no clue what had just happened.

  • Fire Test

    fire stationJoey and his classmates had just finished a tour of the local fire hall.

    Before each student could leave, the fire chief quizzed him.

    The fire chief asked little Joey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"

    Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

  • Granny's Visit

    picture of old ladyLittle Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

    "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"

    His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"

    The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

  • He'll Get Quiet

    doctor4A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. 

    But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

    "No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

  • Kid Quotes

    children3"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals."
    - Donna Maria G, age 9

    "Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you."
    - Rob P, age 8

    "If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."
    - Steven B, age 8

    "Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs."
    - Susie F., age 7

    "Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense."
    - Beau M., age 10

  • Marriage, Engagement

    children2Little Billy took his girlfriend downtown to get married.

    The marriage license clerk smiled and explained that they were both much too young.

    Little Billy asked, "Could you give us a learners permit then?"

  • Miles and Eggs

    schoolThe teacher noticed that Mike had been daydreaming for a long time. She decided to get his attention.

    "Mike," she said. "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are three dollars a dozen, how old am I?"

    "Thirty-four," Mike answered without hesitation.

    The teacher replied, "Well, that's not far from the truth. Tell me... how did you guess?"

    "Oh, there's nothing to it," Mike said. "My big sister is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."

  • Mom Wonder

    mother and daughter2A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like.

    She said, "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

    The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

    At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

  • Movie Critic

    movie seatsI overheard two children discussing their selection in the video area of a store.

    One boy took Disney's CINDERELLA off the shelf, pointed to the drawing of the title character on the cover, and said, "Oh, she's really good. I saw her in ALICE IN WONDERLAND."

  • Nice Kids

    children3No matter how kind you are, German children are always kinder.

  • Oneliner #1143

    mealMy kids can't find their shoes when they need them, yet they can find that tiny bit of onion in their dinner.

  • Oneliner #1188

    tv oldKids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

  • Outhouse Confession

    outhouseOnce there was a little boy who lived in the country.

    For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

    One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek.  So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

  • Quit Bothering Us

    doorbellWe had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.

    Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.

    I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.

    About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

    "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work."

  • Speedy Comeback

    police pull overThe cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

    "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

    The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

    When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

  • Starting Over

    childrens handsThe mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over again.

    "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

  • Swindled

    newspaper boy skyA newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it.  Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

    Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

    The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

  • The Difference of a Year

    roller coasterOur seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain.

    I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted.

    To her delight, we rode it twice.

    The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain.

    As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.

    "Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."

    I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.

    She replied, "This year, I can read."

  • Tough Kids

    boyThree little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

    "I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".

    "Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".

    "That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."

  • Twins' Doctor Apointment

    That was the day
    Julie asked Dan to take the twins to the doctor.twins doctor appointment

  • Wedding Vows

    wedding kidsA grandmother overheard her 5-year-old granddaughter playing "wedding."

    The wedding vows went like this:

    "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say may be held against you, you have the right to have an attorney present. You may kiss the bride."

  • Winning Arguments

    phone handheld 2One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he quickly hung up when he saw me.

    "What were you doing?" I asked him.

    "Calling Aunt Sarah."

    "How could you have called Aunt Sarah?" I asked. "You don't even know her number."

    "Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.

  • Youngest in School

    child sixA friend of mine has three boys. The youngest, Gregory, had just started school.

    A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

    "Cartwheels," Gregory answered.