Health Jokes

  • doctor4A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup.

    The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

    "One-seventy," he says.

    The nurse puts him on the scale.

    It turns out that his weight is 183 pounds.

    The nurse asks, "Your height?"

  • Doctor helps wife with husband's snoringA woman had a medical problem - her husband's snoring.

    So, she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."

    He answered, "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."

    "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"

    "Hmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

  • Tourist asks cabbie if Israel is really a healthy country.Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Israel.

    In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

    "It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

    "That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

    "I was born here."

  • Hiccup JokeA man entered a drug store and asked to see the pharmacist.

    When the pharmacist came out, the man asked if he could give him a cure for the hiccups.

    The pharmacist immediately reached out and slapped him across the face.

    "What'd you do that for?" the man asked.

    "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"

    "No," the man replied, "but I'd bet that my wife out in the car still does!"

  • Picture of a hospital patientA man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

    As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance.

    He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

    The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

    He replied, "No money in the bank."

    The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

    He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

    The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God,"

    The patient replies, "That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

  • couple elderlyA husband and wife, both getting on in years, are in bed one morning.

    He takes her hand, and she says, "Don't touch me."

    He says, "Why not?"

    She answers, " Because I'm dead."

    Husband says, "What are you talking about? We're lying here talking to one another."

  • woman large2Been on a diet for two weeks and all I lost is 14 days.

  • woman angryIf 4 out of 5 people SUFFERS from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

  • shoppingI used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes...

  • exercise treadmillUnless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.

  • A funny joke about a man who takes up tennis later in life.A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

    "It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

    "Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.

    "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

  • warning sign clownHere are the top five winning entries in the Wacky Warning Labels contest, sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch.

    "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

    On a public toilet: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

    "Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to forceful injection of water into body cavities, either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft."

    On an electric router: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."

    On a novelty rock-garden set (called Popcorn Rock): "Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth."