The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

Lonely and alone, discouraged and empty hearted
That's when a man needs a brother

When the burden is heavy, the load too much to bear
That's when a man needs a brother

When in despair, and needing someone to care
That's when a man needs a brother

When the strong arm on your shoulders make the tears flow free
That's when a man needs a brother

The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table.

"Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of jackasses!"

The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved brethren.'"

The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?"

"Yes."

"And if you had a cow?"

"Absolutely."

One of my duties as church secretary is to answer the phone and refer calls. The telephone rang one day with an urgent caller on the other end. He needed to talk to the senior pastor.

I quietly opened his office door to find him praying. I returned to the phone and politely told the caller,

"I'm sorry. He's in conference long distance."

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago.

On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98-year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home.

"Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out, "Amen, Brother!"

When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "You preach it, Reverend!"

Praise God, everyone! Welcome to our annual membership re-commitment committee. Think of this as a tune-up for the soul. We're going to run a diagnostic on your spiritual life to make sure you're still committed.

My name?

Call me God's Enforcer. And no, there are no other committee members. Yes, it was sad to watch them go but, alas, they wouldn't measure up to The Standard. Huh? Well, I set The Standard. That's my job.

Shall we begin? 

An old pastor stood in his pulpit addressing the congregation about the drought that had lasted for at least 8 months.

As all stood filled with faith, he told the congregation they would gather that night for prayer.

"Folks we are going to pray for rain so come prepared to see God move in a great way."

That night as many assembled the old pastor stood and asked a simple question.

"Folks, where are your umbrellas?"