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Gambling Jokes

  • Age Gamble

    roulette tableA lady was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas and she was down to her last $50.

    Exasperated, she exclaimed, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

    A man standing next to her suggested, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" and walked away.

  • Card Dog

    cardsA man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.

    The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

    "This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

    "He's not so smart," said one of the irked players.

    "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

  • Golf Comeback

    golf bagA fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

    Both are even after the first couple of holes.  The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

    The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms just to be friendly.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole (and he is counting his $80) he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

  • Lotto Trouble

    lottery ballsA guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to do something he rarely does: ask God for help. He begins to pray...

    "God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto".

    Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

    Joe again prays...

    "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

    Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

    Once again, he prays...

    "God, why aren't you helping me??  I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order...  "

    Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God himself:

    "Joe, meet me halfway on this one...Buy a ticket!"

  • Monte Carlo

    man upsetThe Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.