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Ageing Jokes

  • 12 Reasons to Buy a New Car

    car old1. Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

    2. Instead of an airbag, there's a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

    3. You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year old on a moped.

    4. 15-Minute Jiffy Lube lasts for only 3 days.

  • 2 Requests

    shoppingAn elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

    "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

    The woman replied, "Then I'll be sure my family visits me twice a week."

  • AAADD

    old ladyThey have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.

    Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it goes:

    I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.

  • Age Gamble

    roulette tableA lady was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas and she was down to her last $50.

    Exasperated, she exclaimed, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

    A man standing next to her suggested, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" and walked away.

  • Awareness Test

    paramedicTwo paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

    En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

    The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.

    "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

  • Bald Spot

    picture of bald manThis bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

  • Boomer Songs Re-released

    record playerHey Baby Boomers! Some of our old favorites have been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."

    Paul Simon--"Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

    Carly Simon--"You're So Varicose Vein"

    The Bee Gees--"How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

    Roberta Flack--"The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

    Johnny Nash--"I Can't See Clearly Now"

    The Temptations--"Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

  • Brain vs Brawn

    wheelbarrow work argumentThe strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

    He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

    After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

    "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.

  • Cast Off

    old ladyAn elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

    Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

    "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

    "Yes," he replied.

    "Thank goodness!" she said.

    "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

  • End Nail Biting

    woman oldTwo elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

    "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That habit really bothers me!" the first one said.

    "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented, "but I broke him of that habit real quick."

    "What did you do?"

    "I hid his teeth!"

  • Engaged Seniors

    senior coupleJacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 were all excited about their decision to get married.  They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they passed a drugstore.  Jacob suggested that they go in.

    Doing so, he addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

    The pharmacist answered: "Yes."

    Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

  • First and Next

    senior coupleA widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was approached by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

    "Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

    "What stopped him?"

    "I started talking about my next husband."

  • Forgive Your Enemies

    preacherThe preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

    After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

  • Golf Stroke

    golf tee"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

    "Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

    "Not really," said the little old man.

    "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

  • Got the Munchies?

    nutsMrs. Jones had been steadfast in her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.

    "Hello, who is it?" she asked.

    "It's Pastor Smith," he answered.

    "Oh, hi; come in, come in. How's the ministry doing?" she said.

  • Hearing Aid

    man grumpyWhile talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

    "How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

    "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

  • Hearing Test

    kitchen oldA man goes to his doctor and says "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be, what should I do?"

    The doctor replies: "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."

    The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says "What's for dinner, Honey?" No response.

    He moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. No response.

    Five feet, no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for supper?"

    She turns and in exasperation says, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

  • I'm Aging Gracefully

    woman oldI'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 p.m

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

    I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

    I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid...

    I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

  • I'm Dead

    couple elderlyA husband and wife, both getting on in years, are in bed one morning.

    He takes her hand, and she says, "Don't touch me."

    He says, "Why not?"

    She answers, " Because I'm dead."

    Husband says, "What are you talking about? We're lying here talking to one another."

  • If I Were Santa

    santacloningIf I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do?
    I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
    And deliver some things just inside your front door...
    Things you have lost, but treasured before.

    I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
    And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
    Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
    Before rinses and bleaches took residence there. 

  • Investing, Long Term Planning

    bananas green and yellowApproaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

    "And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

    "Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."

  • Jury Age

    birthday2Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice.

    She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.

    "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

    "I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

    "You have to do it every year," she was told.

    "Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

  • Living Long

    old ladyMy friend Ida was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's Bar Mitzvah."

    "We'll try," he replied compassionately.

    In due course Ida gratefully attended the festive rite of passage.

    Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding."

  • Mr. Jones Is History

    usa mapMr. Jones, the elementary school principal, made it a practice to visit the classes from time to time.

    One day a week, he walked into Miss Smith's 4th grade class, where the children were studying American History.

    Mr. Jones asked the class how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.

    He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

    From the back of the room Little Johnny yelled, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13!"

  • Nail Biting

    elderly coupleTwo older women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

    "I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That makes me terribly nervous!" the first one said.

    "Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented. "But I broke him of that habit real quick."

    "What did you do?"

    "I hid his teeth!"

  • Never Too Old

    old man 3Two elderly gentlemen were visiting.  "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me.  But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."

    "Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They don't mind being the one to ask."

    "No, I don't think it's that."

    "Well, maybe you remind her of her father."

    "No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."

  • Not Much of a Man

    transport truckAn old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.

    Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"

    The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!"

  • Old Friends

    couple oldAmy and Judy are old friends.

    They have both been married to their husbands for a long time. Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

    "As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Amy cries.

    "I'm so sorry for you. As I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day," replies Judy.

    "Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

  • Oneliner #1047

    dog sleeping"In dog years, I'm dead." - Unknown

  • Oneliner #1188

    tv oldKids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

  • Oneliner #1189

    old ladies on swingSometimes my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

  • Oneliner #1216

    man grumpyWhat doesn't kill you gives you a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms and a really dark sense of humor.

  • Parrot Dream Fulfilled

    parrotA gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.

    He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.

    The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.

    When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

    The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

  • Senior "Favorite Things"

    There are recent rumors that Julie Andrews did a concert for AARP (The American Association of Retired Persons). Ms. Andrews sang a favorite from the Sound of Music, "Favorite Things". There were a few changes to the words, to fit in with the AARP theme.

    Here are the new words to this tune:

    knittingMaalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
    Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
    Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
    Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
    Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    When the pipes leak,
    When the bones creak,
    When the knees go bad,
    I simply remember my favorite things,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

    Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
    No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
    Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
    These are a few of my favorite things.

    Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinning,
    Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinning,
    And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
    When we remember our favorite things.

    When the joints ache, when the hips break,
    When the eyes grow dim,
    I simply remember the great life I've had,
    And then I don't feel so bad.

  • Songs For People Over 40

    head phones*Top 10 Songs for People Over 40*

    10. Let's Get a Physical

    9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough

    8. Johnny B. Olde

    7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything

    6. The Lack O' Motion

    5. Hair Potion Number Nine

  • Sore Knee

    knee bones

    Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

    The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"

    "98!" Johnson announced proudly.

    The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again.

  • The Art of Romance

    roseA fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

    That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

    As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

    The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.

  • The Good Old Days

    running feetIt was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished.

    A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow." He pauses and then says, "But the really bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today."

  • You Need A New Car When

    car oldYou need a new car when...

    - You pull over to let a fire truck go by, and it stops behind you.

    - You have to go to a repair center every thousand miles to get the duct tape replaced.

    - You accidentally drive into a junkyard, drive out, and get accused of stealing.

    - The Blue Book lists your car under "Health Risk."

    - The only thing holding your bumper on is the "Dukakis/Bentsen '88" sticker.

    - You return to your car and find someone broke in and left a hundred dollars and a new stereo.

    - Evel Knievel refuses a free lift.

    - The valet puts on a crash helmet and full-body armor before parking your car.

    - The guys at the repair shop refer you to Dr. Kevorkian.