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Army Jokes

  • Army Hippo

    Military punThe army kept advancing till its route was blocked by a dead hippopotamus lying across the road.

    "Carry on," commanded the general.

    And he was right.

    - Cynthia MacGregor

  • Military First Impressions

    helicopter pilotMy youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.

  • Morning March

    Army march jokeI was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

    An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

    "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

    Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

    "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

  • No Speaka Da German

    train stationA few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.

    He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

    When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

    "No," I confessed.

    "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

  • Private Peters

    military truckThe drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:

    "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

    First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.

  • Self Defense

    self defenseDuring a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

    After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

    The student replied. "BIG ones."

  • Trojan Virus Warning

    Trojan Virus WarningHey Hector,

    This was forwarded to me by Cassandra - it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

    Thanks,
    Laocoon

    TO: Trojan Army Listserv

    RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

    WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!