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Army Jokes

  • Military punThe army kept advancing till its route was blocked by a dead hippopotamus lying across the road.

    "Carry on," commanded the general.

    And he was right.

    - Cynthia MacGregor

  • helicopter pilotMy youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.

  • Army march jokeI was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

    An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

    "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

    Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

    "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

  • train stationA few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.

    He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

    When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

    "No," I confessed.

    "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

  • military truckThe drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:

    "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

    First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.

  • self defenseDuring a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

    After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

    The student replied. "BIG ones."

  • rifle silhouetteOne day a sergeant of long service standing was trying to teach a bunch of raw recruits how to handle a rifle. The rookies were firing hither and yon and finally one of them shot the sarge in the seat of his pants.

    "You dumb, censored, son of censored, censored, censored," screamed the sarge.

    A second lieutenant who was with the group cautioned, "Remember, Sarge, you're in the New Army. No profanities."

    The sergeant apologized to the officer and turned back to the recruit. "My goodness gracious," he said, "What on earth was your motivation in shooting me with unwarranted expenditure of valuable ammunition?"

  • Trojan Virus WarningHey Hector,

    This was forwarded to me by Cassandra - it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings.

    Thanks,
    Laocoon

    TO: Trojan Army Listserv

    RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!

    WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!