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Hospital Jokes

  • Awareness Test

    paramedicTwo paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

    En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

    The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.

    "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

  • Hospital Bill

    Picture of a hospital patientA man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

    As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance.

    He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

    The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

    He replied, "No money in the bank."

    The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

    He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

    The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly. "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God,"

    The patient replies, "That's right! Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

  • Mumba Hunt

    snake orangeA guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."

    "What happened?" he asked.

    "Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has orange and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."

    "Go on."  the friend said.

  • Operation Hope

    doctor fileThe surgeons say they might be able to fix my mangled hands: Fingers crossed!

  • Overreacting

    Over-reacting to kidney stonesEarly one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

    My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

    I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

    With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

  • Paediatricians

    childrens handsPaediatricians tend to have very little patients.

  • Pastoral Visit

    picture of priestAfter the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

    He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

    Later, the wife's roommate commented:

    "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

  • Quiting Smoking

    smokingJohn was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A woman on the elevator said to him with a snarl, "Sir! There's no smoking in here!"

    'I'm not smoking lady," replied John.

    "But you have a cigar in your mouth!" the woman said.

    "Lady," John answered, "I've got Jockey shorts on too, but I'm not riding a horse!"

  • Sorry, God

    ambulanceA middle aged woman had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. On the operating table she had a near-death experience, and was face-to-face with God.

    "Is it my time?" she asked.

    God replied, "No, you have another 40 years."

    Surviving the surgery and with this knowledge in mind, the lady decided that as long as she was in the hospital she might as well make the most of the situation. She had a face-lift, a tummy-tuck, and liposuction. She also had a beautician come to the hospital to dye her hair and give her a makeover.

  • Surgery Pun

    doctor5Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, and demands to know what is going on.

    "I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

    The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

    The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

  • Window Washer

    window washerThere was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe. 

    I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

    He said, "I'm a former window washer."

    I asked, "When did you give it up?"

    He said, "Halfway down."

  • You Are Beautiful

    hospital patientIrving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

    Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute."

    "What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked.

    "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

  • You Might Be a Nurse If

    nursesYou might be a nurse if...

    ~ You avoid unhealthy looking people in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

    ~ It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.

    ~ You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

    ~ You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

    ~ You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.

    ~ You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

    ~ You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

    ~ You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.

    ~ You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.