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Priest Jokes

  • Candle Help

    church candlesMrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

    The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye!  Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?"

    She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."

    The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?"

    She replied, "No, not yet, Father."

    The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."

    She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father."

    They parted ways.  Some years later they met again.  The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?"

    She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"

    The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"

    She replied, "Oh yes, Father!  Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"

    The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?"

    She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle."

  • Golf Comeback

    golf bagA fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

    Both are even after the first couple of holes.  The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

    The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms just to be friendly.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole (and he is counting his $80) he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

  • Pastoral Visit

    picture of priestAfter the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

    He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

    Later, the wife's roommate commented:

    "Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

  • Pot-bellied Stove

    cabinAn engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

  • Signs Your Church has Sold Out to Corporate Sponsors

    church people- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements.

    - In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.

    - Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench.

    - Personal pew licenses now sold.

    - Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World.

    - Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep.

    - The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters.

    - Scripture verses brought to you by Microsoft Office.

  • Statue Correctness

    eyeWhen speaking to a Greek Orthodox audience, icon tact is important.

  • Turkey Confession

    Picture of a confessionalDucking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

    "Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

    "I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

    "If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

    Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

    When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.