A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Pastor asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Pastor," he whispered.

"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."

Three pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything -noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.

The second pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

Forgive me, Father, Pastor, Vicar, Padre, Priest... for I have synonymed.

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet.

She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.

The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently.

1.  Hey!  It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2.  I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3.  Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4.  I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.  At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles. 

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police. Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

The following week, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last week many of you said you were away because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

A minister well known for his beautiful singing voice came home visibly upset after consulting with a new widow about funeral plans for her recently deceased husband. His wife asked him what was wrong, and he revealed that the wife had asked him to sing her husband's favorite song, "Jingle Bells," at the funeral.

He was troubled that it wasn't appropriate to the solemn occasion. He struggled and prayed about it, and finally decided to honor the grieving widow's wishes.

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

The minister stormed into the vestry and flung his sermon notes on the table.

"Today," he shouted to the church officer, "I have preached to a congregation of jackasses!"

The Church officer nodded, "So that was why you kept calling them 'beloved brethren.'"

A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes.  The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms just to be friendly.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole (and he is counting his $80) he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

Mrs. Jones had been steadfast in her local congregation for many years and that is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.

"Hello, who is it?" she asked.

"It's Pastor Smith," he answered.

"Oh, hi; come in, come in. How's the ministry doing?" she said.

It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded.

During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame.

She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher.

He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit.

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the priest there well.

When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.

After a brief silence, she chuckled and said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."

One Sunday morning, a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church.

"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says.

"You gotta get up and go to church," says mother.

"No, I'm not," says the son.

"Yes, you are!" says the mother.

"No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them," says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go." 

So the mother patiently replies, "Number one, you're 55 years old. And number two, you're the pastor!"

A local Pastor joined a community service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.

Under his name badge they printed "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.

The Pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'shepherd of the sheep'...

but you know your people better than I do."

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented:

"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

An engineer, a psychologist, and a theologian were hunting in the wilderness of northern Canada. Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.

"Disciples are producers not consumers."

- Mike Breen

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had finished his sermon.  He went on a walk that afternoon with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

*Top Ten Signs You are At a Bad Baptismal Service*

10. The Coast Guard is involved.

9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

8. Pastor wears scuba gear.

7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"

- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements.

- In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.

- Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench.

- Personal pew licenses now sold.

- Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World.

- Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep.

- The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters.

- Scripture verses brought to you by Microsoft Office.

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm.

As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked,

"Reverend, you're a man of God. Can't you do something about this storm?"

To this he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister, of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer.  Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.  It was an obsession.  One Sunday was a particularly picture perfect day for golfing; the sun was out, there were no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do but shortly the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at that preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.

Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday. He seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings, except as the baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home. His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth director.

The little boy answered, "Its all a racket. They get you there and let you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services."

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.

"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."

The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000."

The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."

The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount!"

Apparently the sign guy is
not a fan of the pastor.

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few dozen extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"  He then approached a second man.  "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.  "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die.  Yes Father.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."