A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to church. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Pastor went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Pastor asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Pastor," he whispered.

"When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

A strong Baptist family decided to buy a home and make everything in the house Baptist. They were going to make it look and feel Baptist through and through. So when they were finished they went to a pet shop to look for a Baptist dog.

They asked the owner, "Do you have a Baptist dog?"

Surprised, the pet shop owner thought about it for a while and then nodded, saying, "Yes...  yes, I think we have a dog that will fit your description."

Ending his sermon, a preacher announced that he would preach on Noah and the Ark on the following Sunday, and gave the scriptural reference for the congregation to read ahead of time.

A couple of boys noticed something interesting about the placement of the story in the Bible. They slipped into the church and glued two pages of the pulpit Bible together.

The next Sunday, the preacher got up to read his text. "Noah took unto himself a wife," he began, "and she was" - he turned the page to continue - "three hundred cubits long, fifty wide and thirty high."

He paused, scratched his head, turned the page back, read it silently, and turned the page again. Then he looked up at his congregation and said, "I've been reading this old Bible for near fifty years, but there are some things in it that are hard to believe."

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.

The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.

"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."

*Catholic Dictionary*

AMEN:
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN:
1.  Parish information, read only during the homily.
2.  Catholic air conditioning.
3.  Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER:
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN:
A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

*Children's Attempts at Singing Well Known Hymns*

Sometimes kids get things a little......well, maybe these came from kids:

- Give us this day our deli bread!

- Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.

- We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.

- Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.

- He carrots for you.

We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence.

Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."

Three pastors were having lunch together at a diner.

The first pastor said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything -noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.

The second pastor then said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."

With a grin on his face, the third pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

1.  Hey!  It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2.  I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3.  Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4.  I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

The following week, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last week many of you said you were away because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!"

The Methodists gathered in the corner and prayed.

The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"

The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.

The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire was evil.

One Sunday a priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of wood.

"Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching."

When the parishioners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the priest, shook his hand, and said, "I'll take five."

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.

After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

The Wednesday-night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.

Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer.

No one raised a hand.

Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer."

One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

It has to be confessed that the minister was rather long-winded.

During his sermon a young wife of the congregation remembered that she had left the Sunday dinner in the gas range without regulating the flame.

She hastily wrote a note and slipped it to her husband, who was an usher.

He, thinking it was for the minister, calmly walked up and laid it on the pulpit.

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.

"Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.

Image credit: www.coolskies.net/holyland 

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here... and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a sarcophagus containing a mummy.

After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

"I've just discovered the 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

The curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist.

"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the priest there well.

When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.

After a brief silence, she chuckled and said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."

"King David used to be a hero of mine, but not anymore," little Brodie told his mother after church one Sunday.

"Why not, son?"

"I learned today that he killed the Jolly Green Giant."

During a church meeting one evening, a parishioner was speaking about an emotionally charged topic and had trouble controlling her tears. 

Finishing her remarks, she told the folks, "I apologize for crying so much. I'm usually not such a big boob."

The Reverend rose to close the session and remarked, "That's okay. We like big boobs."

A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.

First, he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?"

The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear.

A local Pastor joined a community service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him.

Under his name badge they printed "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented.

The Pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'shepherd of the sheep'...

but you know your people better than I do."

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented:

"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."

My friend Betty is in charge of hospitality for a church planted by her son-in-law. The church is in a college area and most of the members are recent college graduates.

The first year the pastor offered membership classes for newcomers. Many of them had not been raised in church and needed to learn a lot. At the end of the classes, he decided to hold a pot luck dinner to help the group bond.

He couldn't host all of them at once, so 15 people were invited to his apartment for the first dinner. Fifteen young adults all showed up with a bag of chips. He had to order out pizza to feed them.

Betty knew one of the young women better than the others and that she had been raised in church, so she asked, "Chips, really? Haven't you ever been to a pot luck at your church?"

"Sure," the young woman replied, "but the adults made all of the food."

Ten years or so down the line from that first class, the church still hosts dinners at the end of the membership classes but the church ladies (my friend Betty and other women in their 50s, 60s, and 70s) prepare all the food.

So the question now is....what happens to a millennial church when all of the church ladies retire or pass away?

- Thanks to Kathy Kexel for submitting this.

An older woman recently returned from her home town in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."

"All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.

"Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."

The friend was still puzzled. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"

"Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones. Everyone agrees it looks ever so much nicer."

A friend of mine, and her husband, were on vacation.

They visited a church on Sunday.

My friend likes to sit close to the front.

So they entered a pew in the second row.

Shortly after settling into the pew, an usher came up to them, tapped lightly on bench, and said, "This pew is saved."

Her husband replied, "So are WE!"

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had finished his sermon.  He went on a walk that afternoon with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I would that, Father."

The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

Harrigan said, "No."

The priest said, "And why not?"

He said, "I have two greyhounds."

*Top Ten Signs You are At a Bad Baptismal Service*

10. The Coast Guard is involved.

9. The service is held at Splash Mountain Water Parks.

8. Pastor wears scuba gear.

7. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from "Jaws."

6. The preacher uses a "Billy the Bass" singing "Take Me to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River?"

- Taco Bell's talking dog now reading announcements.

- In Christmas play, Joseph seen drinking can of Coke.

- Greeters all dressed like Mr. Goodwrench.

- Personal pew licenses now sold.

- Baptismals include dolphin show from Sea World.

- Statue of Moses seen holding keys to a Jeep.

- The 12 disciples replaced by Disney characters.

- Scripture verses brought to you by Microsoft Office.

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister, of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man say, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

There was a preacher who was an avid golfer.  Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.  It was an obsession.  One Sunday was a particularly picture perfect day for golfing; the sun was out, there were no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do but shortly the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at that preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.

Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday. He seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings, except as the baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home. His mother asked him why did he run home instead of riding with the youth director.

The little boy answered, "Its all a racket. They get you there and let you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services."

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf course and invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show up.

Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there wasn't a pew available. Several church members were already seated on folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service, saw the three Baptist deacons enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few dozen extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.