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Sermon Jokes

  • bible personWhat if Biblical characters could be recruited as high-tech promoters?

    Consider the following tech advocates and their ad slogans:

    Noah for Match.com: We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?

    Moses for the Excedrin Headache Resource Center (Excedrin.com):
    Take two tablets and call me in the morning.

    The dove for UPS.com: Guaranteed delivery in 40 days and 40 nights.

  • preacher1After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board following the close of the service.

    The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

    "You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members," explained the minister.

    "I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, then I'd like to meet him."

  • hawaiian church1.  Hey!  It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

    2.  I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

    3.  Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

    4.  I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

  • money stackJack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament.

    "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars."

    "To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar."

    "To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000."

    "And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

  • preacher1After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

    The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

    "Because it endured forever."

  • greyhoundsFather O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

    He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

    He said, "I would that, Father."

    The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbour next door?"

    Harrigan said, "No."

    The priest said, "And why not?"

    He said, "I have two greyhounds."