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Cemetery Jokes

  • Funny Tombstones

    Funny Tombstones*Humorous Headstones*

    Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
    Born 1903-Died 1942
    Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
    It was.

    In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
    Here lies an Atheist
    All dressed up And no place to go.

    In a London, England cemetery:
    Here lies Ann Mann,
    Who lived an old maid
    But died an old Mann.
    Dec.  8, 1767

    In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
    Anna Wallace:
    The children of Israel wanted bread,
    And the Lord sent them manna.
    Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
    And the Devil sent him Anna.

    In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
    Here lies Johnny Yeast.
    Pardon me For not rising.

    In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
    Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
    Stepped on the gas
    Instead of the brake.

    In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
    Here lays The Kid.
    We planted him raw.
    He was quick on the trigger
    But slow on the draw.

    A lawyer's epitaph in England:
    Sir John Strange.
    Here lies an honest lawyer,
    And that is Strange.

    John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
    Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
    Dig 6 feet deep;
    And thou wilt find a Penny.

    In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
    On the 22nd of June,
    Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.

    Anna Hopewell's grave in EnosburgFalls,Vermont:
    Here lies the body of our Anna -
    Done to death by a banana.
    It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
    But the skin of the thing that made her go.

    On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
    Under the sod and under the trees,
    Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
    He is not here, there's only the pod.
    Pease shelled out and went to God.

    In a cemetery in England:
    Remember man, as you walk by,
    As you are now, so once was I.
    As I am now, you soon will be.
    Prepare yourself and follow me.

    To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
    To follow you I'll not consent
    Until I know which way you went

    From Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
    Here lies Lester Moore
    One slug from a 44
    No Les
    No More

  • Mail Problems

    cemetaryThanks to Kim Harding for day's real life laugh from her family.

    Dear Pastor Tim,

    This is a true story, My husband's grandmother passed away and for many months afterwards my father-in-law made repeated phone calls to attempt to stop a company from sending mail to the house for his deceased mother.

    In frustration, he finally filled out a change of address card changing her address to the Jefferson Memorial Park where she was laid to rest.

    It worked! No more mailings came to the house.

  • Relativism

    cemetaryAn older woman recently returned from her home town in North Carolina and told a friend they'd spruced up the churchyard cemetery since her last visit several years past. "Lots of new greenery," she said. "And families are together now."

    "All together?" her friend asked, puzzled.

    "Well," the first replied, "years ago they never much worried where they buried someone because everyone was a neighbor anyhow. They'd just dig a grave wherever it seemed to balance things. But they've redone it so people are with their children and grandchildren, instead of scattered."

    The friend was still puzzled. "You mean they exhumed all those people and reburied them?"

    "Oh my, no," was the reply. "We just shifted the headstones. Everyone agrees it looks ever so much nicer."

  • Tombstone Epitaphs

    tombstonesHope these old tombstone epitaphs are still funny to you.

    Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
    Born 1903-Died 1942
    Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
    It was.

    ******************************

    In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
    Here lies an Atheist
    All dressed up And no place to go.