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Farming Jokes

  • Amish LawAn Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.

    The Amish man said, "No."

    "Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

    As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

    As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"

  • cow3A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game".  They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

    "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

  • cow3What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

    De-CALF-inated. 

  • A young boy watches his dad help birth a calf.A man was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. 

    The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees.  No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

    After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

    "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.  "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

  • Image2I hear that somebody in Colorado put marijuana in the cattle feed.

    I hope they find out who did it; the steaks are high.

  • cow2Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

    It was the pot calling the cattle back.

  • *Various organizational philosophies explained in "two cow" terms.*

    cow2Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

    Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

    Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

    Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

  • chickensA man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

    The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his yard and ruining his flower beds. He had tried everything.

    Two weeks later, a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

  • cowA wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. When the salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price I saw!"

    The salesman went on to tell the farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what raised the price up.  The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

    A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

  • pigA man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

    The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

    There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

  • What a farmer might do if he won 10 million dollars.I saw an interview on TV with an old farmer who won ten million dollars in the lottery.

    Naturally he was asked what he was going do with all that money.

    He scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

  • farmTwo farmers were comparing notes on the poor harvest.

    "Jeb, I'm telling you the wheat was so poor I had to harvest it with scissors."

    "That's nothing, Grady. I had to lather my field and shave it."

  • pig upcloseMy wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.

    "Well Mary," said the man,

    "Near as I can figure, based on the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we've got a hog back on the farm worth at least $137,000."

  • cow3The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

    Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

    The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"

    "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."

  • chickens"If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die?"
    - Chickens

  • pig noseHoward County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

    "Is it true Mr.  (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

    "Yeth." lisped the farmer.

    Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

  • doorbellWe had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.

    Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.

    I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.

    About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

    "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work."

  • rattlesnakeA young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

    "Wow!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

    "Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

    "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

    "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

    "What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

    "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

  • tornadoOut in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

    The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the darndest thing...  it was the darndest thing." she kept repeating dazedly.

  • pigIn a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

    One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

    Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

  • A farmer and taxman jokeA man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social security agent to interview him.

    "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

    "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board."

    "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

    "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

    "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to TALK to that man!"

    "You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer.