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Farming Jokes

  • Amish Law

    Amish LawAn Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.

    The Amish man said, "No."

    "Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker.

    As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

    As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show HIM your paper!"

  • Blind Soccer

    cow3A teacher at a school for blind kids is taking his school's soccer team to an "away game".  They stop for a rest break, and to let the kids work off some energy with a little impromptu practice in a nearby pasture. The teacher is sitting in a nearby diner, explaining to another patron how it is that blind kids can play soccer.

    "We made a special ball, with a bell in it, so the kids can keep track of where the ball is and what it's doing by listening for it. They're pretty good at it too."

  • Bovine Delivery

    cow3What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

    De-CALF-inated. 

  • Cattle Munchies

    Image2I hear that somebody in Colorado put marijuana in the cattle feed.

    I hope they find out who did it; the steaks are high.

  • Cow Return

    cow2Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?

    It was the pot calling the cattle back.

  • Cow-isms

    *Various organizational philosophies explained in "two cow" terms.*

    cow2Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

    Communism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and provides you with milk.

    Feudalism - You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

    Fascism - You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

  • Eggsacting Solution

    chickensA man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

    The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his yard and ruining his flower beds. He had tried everything.

    Two weeks later, a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great. The flowers were beginning to bloom.

  • Farmer Comeback

    cowA wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. When the salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price I saw!"

    The salesman went on to tell the farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what raised the price up.  The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

    A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"

  • Friendly Pig

    pigA man was on a walking holiday in a foreign country. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a stranger's home for something to drink.

    The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire.

    There was a wee pig running around the kitchen - running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.

  • Hard Work

    What a farmer might do if he won 10 million dollars.I saw an interview on TV with an old farmer who won ten million dollars in the lottery.

    Naturally he was asked what he was going do with all that money.

    He scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."

  • Harvesting, Frustration

    farmTwo farmers were comparing notes on the poor harvest.

    "Jeb, I'm telling you the wheat was so poor I had to harvest it with scissors."

    "That's nothing, Grady. I had to lather my field and shave it."

  • Oneliner #0982

    chickens"If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die?"
    - Chickens

  • Quit Bothering Us

    doorbellWe had spent the day moving from our farmhouse into our new house in town.

    Early the next morning, a Saturday, our 3 1/2-year-old ran into our bedroom to wake us up.

    I dressed him and told him to play in the yard and to quit bothering us.

    About 20 minutes later, he came running back.

    "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells - and they all work."

  • Sudden Devastation

    tornadoOut in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation, and without warning. In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining part of the house left above the floor.

    The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt. She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself. "It was the darndest thing...  it was the darndest thing." she kept repeating dazedly.

  • This Little Piggy

    pigIn a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

    One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

    Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

  • Wage Interview

    A farmer and taxman jokeA man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent a social security agent to interview him.

    "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."

    "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $400 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $300 a week plus room and board."

    "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.

    "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."

    "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to TALK to that man!"

    "You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer.