Exercise Jokes

  • calendarMr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

    "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

    When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

    "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

    Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

    "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

    Replied Mr. Lee, "No, from skipping."

  • doctor4"I'm prescribing these pills for you," said the doctor to the overweight patient who wanted to lose weight without exercising.

    "I don't want you to swallow them. Just spill them on the floor twice a day and pick them up, one at a time...."

  • golf teeIt was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

    Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly oblivious to the interruption.

    Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee, kindly back up to the men's tee!"

    Murray had had enough. He broke his stance, lowered his driver back to the ground and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?"

  • logsA man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

    The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

    The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

    The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

    The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

    "Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."

  • Army march jokeI was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

    An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

    "Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

    Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

    "And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."

  • bed2Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.

    Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

    It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too." 

  • brainsYour mind needs exercise just as much as your body does: that's why I think of jogging everyday.

  • exercise copyI just wanna have abs…olutely all the pasta and breadsticks.

  • ski fallSki season will be here soon! Hence, the following list of exercises to get you prepared:

    16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

    15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

    14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

  • exercise copyI was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous.

    However, as I exercised, my worst fears came true. At least a dozen people turned to stare at me periodically. I thought it might be my imagination, but then one woman even squinted to get a better look.

    Mortified, I stepped off the machine to leave. When I turned around, I realized that the gym's only wall clock had been hanging just inches above my head.

  • A list of 17 points to ponder about life.1.  Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
         But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.

    2.  Have you ever noticed?  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.

    3.  You have to stay in shape.  My friend's grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.

    4.  I'm not into working out.  My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

  • A funny joke about a man who takes up tennis later in life.A manager was told by his doctor to take up some sport for exercise so he decided to play tennis. After a couple of weeks, his administrative assistant asked him how he was doing.

    "It's going fine," the manager said. "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Backhand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"

    "Really? What happens then?" the woman asked enthusiastically.

    "Then my body says, 'Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!'"

  • joggerA man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.