• Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
• Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
• Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
• Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
• Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
• Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

The IAMS Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls.

My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?
- cat owner, Omak, WA

I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?
- cat owner, Colorado Springs, CO

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?” answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said, "Put that cat on the phone. I am lost and I need directions."

When women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats.

This is known as the "many paws."

After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.

Remembering her, the clerk remarked, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"

They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

- Robert A. Heinlein

Politically correct terms for cat owners:

- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator.

- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."

- Albert Schweizer

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.

2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.

3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.

4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.

5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.

My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.