Cat Jokes

  • Cat Commandments

    • cat lying downThou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
    • Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
    • Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
    • Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent.
    • Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
    • Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.
  • IAMS Hotline

    The IAMS Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls.

    phone helpMy cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?
    - cat owner, Omak, WA

    I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?
    - cat owner, Colorado Springs, CO

  • Mid-Life Pets

    Menopause PunWhen women get to a certain age they start accumulating cats.

    This is known as the "many paws."

  • Oil Spill

    oilAfter a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

    It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.

    Remembering her, the clerk remarked, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"

  • Oneliner #1152

    cat restingThey should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit; NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!

  • Oneliner #1177

    cat fishbowlCat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

  • Oneliner #1195

    cat fishbowl"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."

    - Robert A. Heinlein

  • Politically Correct Cat Terms

    cat lying downPolitically correct terms for cat owners:

    - My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator.

    - My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.

    - My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.

    - My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.

    - My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.

  • Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions

    My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

    cat on roofI will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

    I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

    I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

    I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

    We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

    I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.