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Cooking Jokes

  • Chicken Recipe

    chicken cookedBaked Stuffed Chicken

    6-7 lb. chicken
    1 cup melted butter
    1 cup stuffing
    1 cup uncooked popcorn
    salt/pepper to taste

    Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

  • Cookie Cutter House

    gingerbread family"I just don't want to live in a cookie cutter house."
    - Gingerbread family

  • Cooking Terms

    cookingTongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

    Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

    Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

    Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since

  • Food Coloring

    food coloringI went to the doctor this morning because I swallowed some food coloring.

    The doctor said I am okay, but I feel like I dyed a little inside.

  • Frozen Frustration

    freezer copyJane had a system for labelling home-made freezer meals.

    She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

    Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes.

  • Goober Doubling

    oven temperature guageIf you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:
    http://www.cybersalt.org/pastor-tim-s-cleanlaugh-site/what-is-a-goober 

    Mr. & Mrs. Goober have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Goober comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office home for dinner on Friday night.

    Mrs. Goober, is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for the four. The husband explains that there will be eight coming because each will bring his wife.

    Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

    Friday morning Mrs. Goober calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six.

  • Oneliner #0962

    dog oliverThe five-second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a two-second dog.

  • Oneliner #0977

    cupcakes copyOnce you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.

  • Pass the Pie Please

    A boy with a pea shooter, ran out of ammunition, and discovering a box of laxative pills, tried one in his blow gun. To his great joy, it fit. 

    There was a boarding house near by, and every Wednesday noon a big pan of custard was placed upon the window sill to cool. From his vantage point in the window of another house, the boy shot all the pills into the custard. 

    The boy soon found out that he was an expert marksman and the custom of custards on Wednesday quickly passed into history.

  • Pepper Advice

    picture of a hot pepperWhen chopping a hot pepper...

    1. Do NOT rub your nose...

    and if you do and it starts to burn...

    2. DON'T put you finger in your nostril to rub it...

    AND IF YOU DO THEN BY ALL MEANS...

    3. DO NOT..."SNORT" WATER UP YOUR NOSE IN AN ATTEMPT TO RINSE THE JUICE
    OUT.

    Please don't ask me how I know...just *trust me*

  • Turkey Hunting

    turkey dinnerSome people REALLY love Christmas.  Me, I love Thanksgiving.

    Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. 

    Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

  • You Are A Bad Cook If…

    chef badYou can find "You Know You Are a Bad Cook When...part 1" here.

    - The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire

    - You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!

    - Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.

  • You Know You Are a Bad Cook When…

    chef bad- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

    - You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

    - Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

    - Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.

    - When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.