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Medical Jokes

  • old ladyThey have finally found a diagnosis for my condition.

    Hooray!! I have recently been diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

    This is how it goes:

    I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail.

  • baby3Baby Vaccination Jokes: pretty innocuous.

  • watch faceSt. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down. "Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.

    "No, it's all right. It won't be long" and he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on. 

    St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again. 

    The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"

  • paramedicTwo paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

    En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

    The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window.

    "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."

  • doctor4A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache.

    He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

    Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

    The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

    "Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

  • doctor4A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books...

    "Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every single book..."

    The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix whenever I see one."

  • old ladyAn elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

    Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

    "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

    "Yes," he replied.

    "Thank goodness!" she said.

    "I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"

  • doctor4A man goes to a doctor for a physical checkup.

    The nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks.

    "One-seventy," he says.

    The nurse puts him on the scale.

    It turns out that his weight is 183 pounds.

    The nurse asks, "Your height?"

  • An historic tour company dressed their employees in colonial dress.A company offered tours through the historic district, led by guides dressed in Colonial clothing. While leading a group, one of the guides, tripped and fell, breaking his wrist.

    He went to the hospital, and as he sat waiting in the emergency room, a policeman walked by.

    Doing a double take at him in his 18th-century garb he asked, "Just how long have you been waiting?"

  • senior coupleJacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 were all excited about their decision to get married.  They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they passed a drugstore.  Jacob suggested that they go in.

    Doing so, he addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

    The pharmacist answered: "Yes."

    Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

    Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

  • cake chocolate2My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

    So far today, I have finished 2 bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

    I feel better already.

  • doctorA woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. 

    He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate with your husband every day of the week. If you can do this for at least 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to you?"

    "You're going to die."

  • golf tee"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

    "Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

    "Not really," said the little old man.

    "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

  • man grumpyWhile talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

    "How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

    "Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."

  • woman oldI'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 p.m

    I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

    I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

    I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, beano, antacid...

    I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

  • doctor4While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

    "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"

    "Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

  • Doctor: I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?

    Patient: I was just following your orders, Doc.

    Doctor: Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.

    Patient: You told me to avoid people who irritate me.

  • A joke about living to the age of 80.I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

    He asked, "Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?"

    "Oh no," I replied, "I've never done either."

    Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

    I said, "No, I've heard that all 'red meat' is very unhealthy!"

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?" he asked.

    "No, I don't," I said.

    He said, "Do you gamble or drive fast cars?" 

    "No," I said, "I've never done any of those things."

    He looked at me and said, "Then why on earth do you want to live to be 80?"

  • theatreA strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!"

    Several men stood up as the lights came on.

    An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"

  • surprisedI would give my dad what he really wants on Father's Day, but I can't afford to move out yet.

  • Over-reacting to kidney stonesEarly one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

    My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

    I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

    With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

  • doctor fileI sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.

    After he finished all seventeen pages, he looked at me and said, "You look better in person than you do on paper."

  • pill bottleA man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.

    The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

    The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

    Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow doc, exactly what's my problem?"

    The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

  • doctor4A woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very worried and all strung out.

    She rattled off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"

    The doctor looked her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly said,

    "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

  • doctor4A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

    "I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

    The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced. "I'm back!"

    Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."

  • doctor4A middle-aged man wasn't feeling well, so he went to the doctor for a check up.

    After a thorough examination, the doctor said, "Well, based on my examination, the best thing for you is to cut out all sweets and fatty foods, give up alcohol, and stop smoking."

    The man said, "Well, to be honest with you Doc, I don't deserve the best. What's the second best?"

  • doctor5Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.

    Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said,

    "Suture self."

  • doctor5Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, and demands to know what is going on.

    "I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

    The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not! I'll close my own incision."

    The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."

  • A medical joke about vocal dyslexiaThere is a disease terrible that strikes 10 out of 1 Americans 15 every minutes. Vocal Dyslexia it's called. An elment I've been lifing all my fight. It can warn without striking and has no regard for case, read, or crolor.

    Symptoms:
    ~ speechaled garb
    ~ backs coming out wordward
    ~ and an inability to sent a complete putence together

    The victims: innocent meple like you and peo

    Sadly, Vocal Dyslexia is wilding liek spreadfire and there is no cureful symp, butthere is hope. The dyslexia foundation has recommended these things 3:

    3rd: at the first trub of signale phonsult a confition
    2nd: stay in bed and drink flenty of pluids
    1st: read as can as you much

    For more information write: 999 Teenfifth Street, Grand Mapids, Ricaghan

    Thank you muchy ver.

  • doctor fileWhat doctors say, and what they're really thinking:

    "This should be taken care of right away."
    I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

    "Welllllll, what have we here...?"
    He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

    "Let me check your medical history."
    I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

  • nursesYou might be a nurse if...

    ~ You avoid unhealthy looking people in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

    ~ It doesn't bother you to eat a candy bar with one hand while performing digital stimulation on your patient with the other hand.

    ~ You've had a patient with a nose ring, a brow ring and twelve earrings say, "I'm afraid of shots."

    ~ You've ever bet on someone's blood alcohol level.

    ~ You plan your next meal while performing gastric lavage.

    ~ You believe every waiting room should have a Valium salt lick.

    ~ You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.

    ~ You have ever had a patient control his seizures when offered food.

    ~ You know it's a full moon without having to look at the sky.