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Police Jokes

  • Abuse of the Courts

    policeA police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"

    "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

  • Addiction

    police pull overTrue story:

    A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no, he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.

    Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home.

  • Blizzard Police

    horse snowWhile driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist noted a policeman, standing waist deep in snow, directing traffic.

    Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."

    The policeman called back, "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"

  • Car 34

    snakeA young man is an avid listener to the city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time.

    One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say,

    "Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in someone's front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it."

    There was a long pause, then some static.

    Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started."

  • Danny's Shortage

    broken windowLittle Danny O'Brien, a fine Catholic lad, was out looking for trouble. 

    He tripped people on the street, threw bricks through windows, smacked folks on the head and generally caused mischief until a passing cop stopped him.

    "What's going on here!"  bellowed the officer.

    "It's like this officer," winked Danny. 

    "I am on my way to confession and I'm a little short of material."

  • Drug Dealer Tax Help

    randall county sheriff badgeAttention Drug Dealers operating in the Randall County area: Tax Season is upon you!

    With the April 15th deadline rapidly approaching, we know how hard it can be for you to provide a detailed accounting of your business related income and expenses. Could that late night trip to a remote parking lot be a business expense? Can you claim mileage if using a stolen vehicle for business transactions? What about the expensive spray paint used to redecorate it? Is there a deduction available for the bond money you will need after responding to this offer?

  • Finally

    thiefA man was sleeping when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"

    The man had gone through this almost every night for 20 years, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out.

    This time, however, there was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house.

  • Good Robbery

    store signThe detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.

    "It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."

    "Why is that?" the detective asked.

    "Because today everything was on sale."

  • Houdini Wannabe

    handcuffA deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

    Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

  • Marriage Teamwork

    police pull overA Police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The Officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

    The driver says, "But officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

  • One Question Too Far

    A joke about a lawyer and a policeman who argue in a courtroomA defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went like this:

    Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
    A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

    Q: Officer, who provided this description?
    A: The officer who responded to the scene.

  • Oneliner #0963

    police cruiserThe cops came to my door today to say that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, but I told them they had the wrong house because my dog doesn't own a bike!

  • Police Dog Freeze

    police dogA friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit.

    One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

    Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.

    Then he noticed the sign on the building:

    "Veterinarian's Office."

  • Pullover Gift

    police pull overMy brother's a cop: Thought I'd buy him a pullover sweater for Christmas.

  • Self Defense

    self defenseDuring a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self-defense.

    After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a big, sharp knife?"

    The student replied. "BIG ones."

  • Speeding Ticket

    police pull overA lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

    After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

    "Yes, I do, officer," she replied.

    "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

  • Speedy Comeback

    police pull overThe cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.

    "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

    The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

    When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

  • Stop vs. Slow Down

    A police pullover jokeA policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

    "No," the man replied.

    "You failed to stop at the stop sign," the officer explained.

    "But I did slow down!" the guy argued.

    The officer shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."

    The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

    The officer pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

  • Tail Light

    tail light2"How long have you been driving without a tail light, buddy?" demanded the policeman.

    The driver jumped out, ran to the rear of his car, and gave a low moan.

    His distress was so great that the cop was moved to ease up on him a bit.

    "Aw, come now," he said, "you don't have to take it so hard. It isn't that serious."

    "It isn't?" cried the motorist.

    "What happened to my boat and trailer?"

  • Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

    movie seats- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

    - A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

    - If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

    - Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

  • Ticket Woes

    motorcycle headlightI went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. 

    So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil neck. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

  • Tie Conspiracy

    tieAt a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets.

    Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

  • Transferred

    bread slicedA guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

    "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

    "I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate in the country..."

    "Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life, and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

    The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh, thank you. I was worried to death! But if you live there and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way, what do you do for a living?"

    "Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck."

  • Trooper Delivery

    chicken kentucky fried storeOne day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago.

    When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

    The trooper pursued him, pulled him over and walking up to the car he pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

    The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks, I just bought some."

  • What Kind of Person

    police dogWe were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. 

    "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said. "In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"

    While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied, "A suspect."