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Dog Jokes

  • 10 Common Canine Complaints

    dog21. Building mounted fire hose connections are no substitute for a real hydrant.

    2. "Why can't I just make an appointment with the groomer to get my nails done? I can do without the shampoo, blow-dry and stupid pink bows."

    3. Nintendo is not easily paw operated.

    4. There are no real career opportunities for a dog who has been fixed.

    5. Silk plants may look real but when chewed cause extreme flatulence.

    6. "If Barbie wasn't meant as a chew toy, why do little girls set up her Dream House within easy reach?"

    7. No breakfast in bed.

    8. Really cool sneaker companies don't make doggie booties.

    9. "Snausages" is not in the dictionary.

    10. The average refrigerator door seam is too narrow to be easily opened by a snout.

  • A Dog Named Bear

    great daneFriends of ours owned a huge Great Dane named "Bear." He looked menacing but was actually quite harmless. Though Bear has gone on to doggy heaven here are two great stories they often tell.

    Bear's playground was a fenced yard about 40 feet square. With a mere 3 foot fence his head easily reached over the top. Standing on his haunches it looked like he could walk over the fence. One of the neighbor boys asked the owner if he could jump the fence. "Shhhhh," she replied. "He can - but don't tell him."

  • A Dog's Diary

    dog35:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber, and the impact indicated the paper was much heavier than normal, I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: he didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

    7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them limb from limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

  • Animal Race Stats

    horse stableSome racehorses are staying in a stable.

    One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"

    Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"

    "Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.

    At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.

    "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89!"

    The horses are clearly amazed.

    "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.

    "A talking dog."

  • Card Dog

    cardsA man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.

    The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

    "This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

    "He's not so smart," said one of the irked players.

    "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

  • Dog Tricks

    dog lazy*Mind Games You Can Play with Your Humans*

    1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

    2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

  • Guard Dog

    guard dogMy sister-in-law, a truck driver, decided to get a dog for protection.

    As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

    "Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

    Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

    Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

    As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

  • Guard Dog Karate

    dog scottyA young couple lived in a town filled with crime.

    After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

    Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

    "Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

    The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.

  • Guard Dog Sniff

    My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?

    Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.

    Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.

    "Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."

  • How Much Are Your Dogs

    If you are not sure what a Goober is, there is a picture of one here.

    dog2It seems this Goober was wanting a dog for a pet, so he went to the local pet store to buy one.

    He asked the clerk "how much are your dogs?"

    She replied, "They are $10.00 apiece."

    The goober replied, "How much for a whole one?!"

  • Hydrant Sniff

    A dog joke with a fire hydrantTwo dogs were walking down the street. The one dog says to the other, "Wait here a minute, I'll be right back."

    He walks across the street and sniffs this fire hydrant for about a minute, then walks back across the street.

    The other dog says, "What was that about?"

    The dog first dog says, "Oh, I was just checking my messages."

  • IAMS Hotline

    The IAMS Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained customer service representatives at The Iams Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a year from pet owners across the country. Although the majority of calls to the toll-free number are straightforward pet care and nutrition questions, some can be quite unconventional. Here are some of the team's favorite calls.

    phone helpMy cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many calories are in a mouse?
    - cat owner, Omak, WA

    I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed him?
    - cat owner, Colorado Springs, CO

  • Lock Jaw

    veterinarianIn one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian.

    One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

    An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

    "He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

    "Both!" was the reply.

    "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

  • Missing You

    Dog Waits for OwnerDave went on a business trip for a few days.

    When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.

    "She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

    "What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

    "Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

  • Oneliner #0963

    police cruiserThe cops came to my door today to say that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, but I told them they had the wrong house because my dog doesn't own a bike!

  • People Acting Like Dogs at a Dog Park

     Enough said.

  • Police Dog Freeze

    police dogA friend of mine is a deputy with the sheriff's department canine unit.

    One evening, the deputy was dispatched to the scene of a possible burglary, where he discovered the back door of a building ajar. He let the dog out his patrol car and commanded it to enter and seek.

    Jumping from the back seat, the dog headed for the building. After lunging through the doorway, the dog froze and backed out. My friend was puzzled until he investigated further.

    Then he noticed the sign on the building:

    "Veterinarian's Office."

  • Puppy Mark

    puppiesAn effusive client brought a litter of puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. She loved them so much, she couldn't keep from remarking about their cute habits.

    As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

    After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I never realized they had to be baptized."

  • Race Horses in a Stable

    Race horses talking in the stableSome race horses are staying in a stable when one of them starts to boast about his track record: "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

    Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

    "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

    At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

    The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

  • Teacher's Gifts

    teacher appleOn a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

    "That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

    "Just a wild guess," she said.

    The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

  • Time to Pick Up

    parachuteA blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.  When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump.  My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

    "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

    "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

    "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

    The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack..."