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Food Puns

  • ice cream2Bert: "Say, Ernie, would you like some ice-cream?"

    Ernie: "Sherbert."

  • cabbageMurphy’s Slaw: If cabbage can go rotten, it will.

  • computer stressWARNING!! There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

    If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT! 

    It is Spam!

  • boomBreaking News!! Cheese Factory Explosion.

    De brie everywhere.

  • chipsSorry I ate all the chips: It was a snaccident.

  • Christmas Dinner PunI don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year. 

    My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

  • A chili JokeAre you eating right now?  Then don't read this joke now.

    A man enters a cafe and sits down.  He notices that the special of the day is cold chili.  When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili."

    "I'm sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress.

    "Oh, I'll just have coffee, then."

  • gingerbread family"I just don't want to live in a cookie cutter house."
    - Gingerbread family

  • chefA rare delicacy indeed is sautéed sloth.

    Using the middle toe of the great Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of the creature, the careful chef de-bones it, pounds it as with veal, and sautés it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and the faintest touch of Tabasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste.

    Many people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sautéed, a fact unappreciated in culinary circles.

    Too many cooks broil the sloth.

  • mealWilliam Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook.

    One day, after he had prepared a new dish for his friends, he said, "I think there is one or more spices missing. What do you think?"

    Their answer was, "Only thyme, Will Tell!"

  • This bag of onions will make you cry
    for all the wrong reasons.

    Corn on the Cob in Onion Sacks

  • food lunchMy favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It's called lunch.

  • pyramidArchaeologists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

    They believe it to be Pharaoh Rocher.

  • food cholesteralI didn't mean to gain weight.

    It happened by snaccident.

  • Pillsbury Doughboy PunThe Pillsbury Doughboy is my my roll model.

  • mcdonaldsThat guy from the McDonalds drive-thru gives me the shakes.

  • onionsEngineering Fact: An opinion without 3.14 is an onion.

    You'll understand.

  • snail2I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster; if anything, it made him more sluggish.

  • beef stew punApparently, you can't use "beef-stew" as a password.

    It's not stroganoff.

  • Butter PunAs a matter of fact, I do use butter... Are you trying to marginalize me?

    - Pam

  • pineapple"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!"

    - said Tom dolefully

  • omega3Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil.

  • hamburger helperHamburger Helper: It works, but only if the hamburger is ready to accept the fact that it needs help.

  • girlWhen it comes to Conversion Tables, this one will take the cake!

    - Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

    - 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

    - 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope

  • cheese brieSweet dreams are made of cheese.

    Who am I to dis a brie?

  • pez penguinPenguin PEZ: Let's dispense with the formalities.

  • couple on dateA guy and a girl are having a drink together. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"

    "What's that mean?" asks the girl.

    "That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

    "Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

    "Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?"

    The girl says, "That's French toast."

  • milkTo test my faith, I sometimes look right at the 1% mild and ask, "Wilt thou be made whole??"

  • coffee cupWhen a mathematician tells you he makes a mean cup of coffee, he means average.

  • cow3Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

    Because they lactose.

  • ribsNew Diet: Yeah I still eat ribs... sparingly.

  • steakBecoming a vegetarian is a huge "missed steak."

  • pastaWhat do you call a fake noodle?

    An impasta!

  • weight scale 2I'm allergic to food – I break out in fat.

  • preservesForbidden fruits create many jams.

  • bakerySaid the Thesaurus at the bakery, "I'd like a synonym bun!"

  • coffee cupPerkatory: That awful time spent waiting for the first cup of coffee to be ready.

  • corn on cobAt the grocery store today we saw cobs of corn "on sale" for $4.00 for 4. A buck an ear? That's piracy!

  • olive oilCheap olive oil: gets a lot of bad press.

  • Pork Healing PunSmoking will kill you...

    Bacon will kill you...

    But, smoking bacon will cure it.

  • saladA question: If you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing??

  • liverwurst sausageI have a phobia of German sausage.

    I fear the wurst.

  • sausagesAt the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another. Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen.

    "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!"

  • popI know a lot about pop; I guess you could say I'm a Fizzisist.

  • 800px Crested Tern Tasmania editNever thought my butcher would turn a sea bird into sausage: but then he took a tern for the wurst.

  • spring rollsFinally, my winter fat is gone.

    Now all I have are spring rolls.

  • waiter punI like waiters: they bring a lot to the table.

  • Shopping PunI went shopping for cherries and microphones the other day.

    Bought a bing, bought a boom.

  • butter poundReal butter fans: Too long they have been margarinalized.

  • Waiter punNot-Evangelism: When a waiter asks you how you want your steak cooked, never say, "Well done, good & faithful servant."