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Security Jokes

  • Airport Security

    Airport metal detectorsOn a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front of him.

    As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.

    Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.

    "Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.

    Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.

  • Houdini Wannabe

    handcuffA deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.

    Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

  • How High Can You Go?

    kangaroo2A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

    Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

    The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.

    This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.
    Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

    The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!!"

  • Lock Jaw

    veterinarianIn one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian.

    One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

    An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

    "He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

    "Both!" was the reply.

    "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

  • Oneliner #1134

    credit cardAs a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be... turns out this is called identity theft.

  • Oneliner #1199

    man afraidSo, apparently airport security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

  • Packing

    airport securityI was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military.

    As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions.

    "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked.

  • Security Tips

    office writeThe following are notices that homeowners can place in a few strategic locations to keep burglars away.

    Dear Butcher: Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

    Dear Letter Carrier: We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our mail-slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of the openings. PS: Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

    Dear Exterminator: Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

    To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

    Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.