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Golf Jokes

  • Away From Desk

    golfA chap who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

    After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.

    The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

    "Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles?"

  • Generosity

    cell phone manSeveral men are in the locker room of a golf club.

    A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"

    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

    MAN: "Yes"

    WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

  • Golf Comeback

    golf bagA fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

    Both are even after the first couple of holes.  The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

    The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms just to be friendly.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole (and he is counting his $80) he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

    The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

    The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

    The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."

  • Golf Stroke

    golf tee"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

    "Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."

    "Not really," said the little old man.

    "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."

  • I Can Make This Putt

    golf bagPlaying golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"

    His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money.

    Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt." 

    His pals are still trying to collect on the bet - and grandpa is too.

  • Ladies' Tee

    golf teeIt was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

    Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly oblivious to the interruption.

    Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee, kindly back up to the men's tee!"

    Murray had had enough. He broke his stance, lowered his driver back to the ground and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?"

  • Mute Golf

    golfA man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am mute. I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?"

    The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

    Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly looking at him, holding up 4 fingers.

  • Scheduled Shot

    golf teeAt a golf course, four men approached the sixteenth tee. The straight fairway ran along a road and bike path fenced off on the left.

    The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back on to the fairway.

    As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

    He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the bus schedule."

  • Sunday Golf

    golf bagThere was a preacher who was an avid golfer.  Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away.  It was an obsession.  One Sunday was a particularly picture perfect day for golfing; the sun was out, there were no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

    The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do but shortly the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

    An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at that preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

    The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him?!"

    God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"